I see the night, but I'm lost outside of you
by swisstony
Summary: Something like a prequel 2 my last fics: D Howard's POV later...lol... Suicide themes. Review would be great...lol...Dedicated 2 my BETAS Radar Rox and Violence:
1. Chapter 1

She hadn't meant to do it, not really.  
It had been a vague thought bubbling away in the back of her mind. But she hadn't deliberately set out to do it. Events had just seemed to overtake her, to spiral out of control, bringing her to that moment.  
She'd been out of her mind, a million different chemicals rushing through  
her blood stream. She'd been careless going back to the hut in that state, but  
she hadn't been thinking, she couldn't think, she couldn't see. She'd woken  
Howard up. And then that's when it had happened. They'd argued, like they'd never  
argued before. All he kept going on about was her medication. Had she been taking it? Why hadn't she been taking it? Why was she drinking? She'd hated him at that moment. She'd hated him, she hated herself, she wanted to hurt him.  
She'd run away. She'd run away from him out into the night, disappearing into the grounds of the Zoo. She hadn't known what she was doing, what she was going to do. A million things ran though her head. She thought about Naboo, about going to see the tiny Shaman kiosk vendor. He'd make it better, or at least if he didn't make it better he would have given her some more drugs.  
But in the end she stopped herself from visiting Naboo, what if Howard was  
there, he was bound to be looking for her. Bollo and the rest of the primates  
section were out of bounds as well, that was her section if he was looking for her  
and didn't find her with Naboo she knew Howard would go there next.  
She'd been trapped. She'd struggled to think, she thought about all the  
places she could hide from him in the Zoo. And then she'd suddenly  
remembered Mrs Gideon and all her snakes. They both hated snakes, however much Howard  
tried to impress Mrs Gideon with his knowledge of the animal, the truth was  
he hated them they both did.  
She ran to the reptile house, for once the door was unlocked, the lock had  
been broken. She hadn't stopped to think she'd just closed the door behind  
her and been swallowed up by the darkness.  
She wasn't sure how long she'd been sitting there, on the cold stark floor  
of the reptile house. She wasn't sure where the knife had come from. Had she  
brought it with her? She didn't remember having it. What was a knife doing  
in a reptile house? She'd only meant to cut herself a little. But so much in  
her life it had all gotten out of control. Before she'd really thought it though, she'd slit her writs.  
And then she'd started to die.  
It seemed to happen quickly and slowly. One moment she was sitting up, the next moment she was lying down. Watching silently as her life had flowed out of her, pooling in thick dark circles around her body.  
She was sorry for what she'd done.  
Sorry because she really did love Howard, she really did. She knew he'd  
blame himself.When she laid there dying she'd had time on her hands to finally  
think, and think clearly.  
Mostly she'd been stupid. Her whole life she'd been dumb, she never used her  
brain, she'd been pretty, that had been enough; she'd relied on Howard to do all the thinking for both of them. She'd never finished school, she'd been kicked out before her GCSE's. THEY'D tried to get her into other schools. But she'd run away. She'd found Howard at the zoo and she'd begged him to let her stay, he had. She'd lied to him about THEM, she still felt a little bad about  
that. It had only been a small tiny little white lie, he never had any contact  
with THEM anyway he thought THEY didn't like him. THEY didn't. THEY hadn't liked  
either of them.  
She was happy at the Zoo. She'd been better, better than she had ever been.  
Howard looked after her, he made sure she ate everyday, stopped drinking and  
took her pills. She made new friends, everyone seemed to like her. They  
didn't quite understand what was going on, but they all liked her. She'd especially liked Howard's friend Vince, he was...nice. She'd never been sure if he'd remembered her, sometimes it seemed like he did, but mostly she knew he didn't have a clue who she was. Vince was only interested in Howard, and Howard was only interested in Vince. When they were together she felt like she didn't  
exist, like she'd never existed, she'd been made up badly by someone outside of their world.  
Howard talked about Vince all the time, he talked about how Vince was going to come and work at the Zoo, that like her he'd never finish school. He said it would be just the three of them, that they'd be a happy little trio. But trios weren't happy, someone would always be left out. It would always be her.  
That's when she'd started to listen to him. His voice worked it's way inside her broken head. Dixon Bainbridge. He'd interviewed her for the job at the Zoo, it had been impromptu, she'd still been wearing her school uniform.  
That ugly school uniform, that stupid hat. What had THEY been thinking, how could THEY have even thought about sending her to a school with a hat like that. Was it any wonder she had run away, was it really?  
He'd made her feel more than uncomfortable, the way he'd looked at her it  
had reminded her of a starving dog eyeing up a piece of meat in a butcher's  
window. He called her a filly, Howard's little filly. He didn't believe her  
when she'd said she was Howard's sister, he'd snorted and said something about paedophiles. The idea that she was Howard's underage girlfriend/wife seemed to catch on quickly. Whenever she had to use her full name, everyone seemed to snigger noone believed her. But Howard was her brother, he was! Was he?  
From the moment she'd got the job at the Zoo, Bainbridge had tried to sleep with her, it was embarrassing. Then one day the trap had snapped shut behind her. Bainbridge hated Howard, he'd always been cruel to him, but in those last couple of weeks the way he'd treated him had crossed over into something darker. He really had wanted to hurt Howard. She'd had to do something, so  
she'd just asked him one day if he'd leave Howard alone. She'd showed her hand and Bainbridge had seen her weakness. She did anything to stop him from hurting Howard.  
The last thing she had seen before she'd lost consciousness was the worried  
look on Howard's face. She didn't think she'd ever seen fear like that on  
his face before.  
She died...

At least she'd thought she'd died.  
She'd woken up in the hospital Howard had been there, and THEM.  
THEY hadn't let her go back to the Zoo.  
When she was better, THEY'D taken her to another hospital and then THEY'D  
just left her. THEY left her there. Noone came to see her, not even Howard. The doctors at  
the new hospital gave her stronger pills, in the end it didn't matter if anyone came to see her or not, she wouldn't have known. She didn't know. She'd forgotten to remember.  
And then one day she was outside the hospital. The doctors told her to go, they said her treatment was over.  
She went back to the Zoo, but it had been closed. By accident she'd run into Mrs Gideon. She asked about Howard. The European woman had just blinked back at her, she didn't seem to know who Howard was. So she'd asked about Vince instead. Wherever Vince was Howard was sure to be there too.  
It had been raining really hard when she'd finally found Naboo's shop. She'd just stood there watching from across the road, watching Howard as he pulled down the metal shutters. She grinned, Vince was buzzing around him, talking.  
She'd thought about crossing the road and joining them, but at the very last moment she'd changed her mind; there wasn't any room for her there. There never had been.  
She left.


	2. Howard

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There was a demon that lived inside Howard Moon.  
He was happy, happier than he had ever been. In fact he wasn't really sure  
he'd ever been happy before. He had no frame of reference to measure the  
feelings that were bubbling up inside him.

His head was pounding, and when he'd opened his eyes the full power of his historic hangover had suddenly hit him. But it didn't matter, the pain drumming away in his head or the feeling  
of nausea which had threatened to overwhelm him at any moment.  
None of that mattered, because he was in love. And it was real, real  
love. He'd been staring at the sleeping form lying next to him for what seemed  
like hours. Vince was so beautiful. How could anyone be that beautiful, that  
perfect. With every fibre of his body he'd resisted the temptation to reach  
out and touch Vince. The last thing he wanted to do was wake him, if he woke  
him the spell might be broken.  
So he just kept watching, the feeling of utter bliss flowing though him. He  
marvelled at himself, at them. He'd reached a stage in his life where he'd  
truly believed that this would never come, that he'd never break the physical  
boundary with another living soul. He'd honestly prepared himself for a life  
without love, a life without this wonderfulness!  
But now, now everything was different he was different. He felt like he'd  
never be the same, which was a good thing. He watched silently as Vince's bare  
chest rose and fell with each shallow, dreaming breath. Not only had he broken  
the physical boundary, but he'd broken it with Vince. _Vince, Vince...Vince..._  
He loved him, he always had but their relationship had become so strained that  
there had been moments when he'd felt like he was losing him, that he hated  
him.  
The demon inside him suddenly stirred. It wasn't a conventional demon. No red  
skin, wings or horns. It was a demon that liked to pick at things, all his  
mistakes, bringing them back up into his face mostly in the middle of the  
night when he struggled for sleep. He'd never had a triumph that the demon  
inside of him hadn't been able to pick apart and spoil. It didn't spoil this  
however, it couldn't spoil this. Instead his internal monologue told him he  
was being lazy. It screamed at him to get up, to put some clothes on, to tidy  
the flat and open the shop. He held out for as long as he could, but in the  
end he had no choice, he couldn't fight himself any longer.  
He eased himself out of Vince's bed, desperately trying not to wake him.  
Silently, or at least as silently as he could, he searched for his  
clothes. They seemed to be scattered everywhere, he managed to locate enough of  
his former outfit to at least feel comfortable about making an appearance in  
the flat. There was no need to worry, the flat was trashed but empty. He'd had  
the best birthday ever. He made his way into the kitchen thinking about  
breakfast, but he quickly changed his mind. There was no food, and what was  
edible seemed to be covered in either stale alcohol or other peoples vomit.

It was disgusting.  
Tea, tea, he wanted a cup of tea, he needed a drink. He wasn't prepared to  
chance any of the cups in the kitchen, so reluctantly he'd gone downstairs  
into the shop. There were cleaner, if not clean, cups there and a kettle  
waiting for him. The shop at least was tidy, and stationary village was safe!

He'd switched on the kettle, and while waiting for it to boil he was lost in  
his own world thinking about Vince. The phone rang. The sound rocked him out  
of his daydreaming, shattering the peace which had fallen over the shop and  
flat. There had been a moment when he'd felt like he and Vince were the only  
to people in the whole world, but the phone had catapulted him back into reality.  
'Hello.' He picked up the receiver, he'd been in such a daze he'd  
forgotten the greeting Naboo had requested they answered each call with.  
'_Howard...'_ His world suddenly crumbled at the sound of her breathy voice. It  
was her, but was it her it couldn't be her.

_'Howard.' _  
She sobbed his name and he knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was her.  
So many things ran though his head, the most startling ones being when had  
they let her out of the asylum? And why did she sound like an American?  
'Mabel...it's me...' His voice sounded alien to his own ears. It had been so  
long, shamefully long since he'd last had any contact with her. The guilt had  
stopped him. He'd visited her so many times when she'd been at the mental  
hospital, and every time it was devastating to see her like that, in that  
state. She didn't know where she was, who she was, she didn't even know he was  
there. It was his fault she'd been there in the first place, all his fault. He  
should have taken better care of her. She'd had problems, she was ill, all the  
signs had been there but he'd been stupid and blind, too wrapped up in  
himself, in that stupid Zoo, his stupid dreams to see that she was falling  
apart inside.  
It had been the worst moment of his life when he'd found her in Mrs  
Gideon's reptile house. She'd been lying there bleeding to death. He hadn't  
known what to do, he'd just pulled her lifeless body into his arms and  
screamed, screamed until someone had come, he couldn't even remember who it  
had been. He'd begged her to live, to stay with him, he didn't want to be  
alone, he couldn't face it. He'd always needed someone there, it had been her  
and then it had been Vince.  
_'Howard...I need you...'_ She cried. He could hear it in her voice, the sound  
that terrified him; she was having an episode.  
'I'll come and get you, stay there, where are you?' He breathed all at once.  
The happy cloud that had surrounded him quickly dissipated with the growing  
urgency of the situation.  
_'I...I don't know, I don't know where I am. I was outside...oh God Howard I  
think, I think I killed him...'_  
His blood suddenly ran cold. He forgot all about Vince.  
'It's going to be...where are you? Tell me where you are!'  
_'What am I going to do? What are they going too me? Howard!...I can't... I  
can't go back I can't I wont...I wont go back! They can't make me...I won't go  
back there not there! No...no...no...no...' _  
That's when he decided, she wouldn't go back. However bad it was, he wouldn't  
let her get put back into the hospital. He'd look after her. Vince would help  
him. They'd look after her together. She could work with them in the shop, she  
could live in the flat. He wouldn't let her down again.  
_'Don't let them take me away again Howard...please...I'd rather die! I'll do  
it, I'd do it again...'_  
'Mabel please, please don't. Do you want me to come and get you?'  
_'You wont let them...' _She begged hysterically.  
'No...no...'His desperate placating seemed to work, her voice grew suddenly  
calmer.  
_'I know where you live. I'll get a...a...I'll get a taxi...'_ Her voice  
suddenly died away, her side of the line cutting off.  
A wave of fear washed over him. He didn't know what to do. He struggled  
against his own uselessness. He stumbled out of the stock room. He felt sick.  
He watched the road outside the shop, desperate. He didn't know where she was, how long it would take her to get there, even if she was coming.  
His heart started to beat again; he hadn't even realised it had stopped.  
Relief flooded him at the sight of a black cab pulling up outside the shop. It  
was her! Was it her? He ran well, he would have run if he hadn't still been  
so hung over he dashed out of the shop.  
And then he'd seen her for the first time in years. She looked so different,  
it was painful. She was still pretty, but it was a faded, washed out pretty.  
She'd always be pretty to him. Her eyes, the spark was gone, the warmth and  
naivety replaced by a jaded glassy stare. She'd seen things she never should  
have, it was his fault. He thought about Vince, how he couldn't ever stand to  
see his spark, his sunshine disappear. They were both innocents. Harmless,  
self obsessed, overindulged innocents.  
'Howard.' She gasped, taking him by surprise as she launched herself on him,  
wrapping her arms tightly around his waist, burying her tear streaked face in  
his chest. He'd missed her, he'd missed her so much. A wave of something close  
to paternal protectiveness spilled over inside of him. He held her back, she  
was safe in his arms. He kissed her on the side of her head. It wasn't  
something he'd ever done before, but the simple gesture felt right.  
The Taxi driver behind them alerted them to his presence by calling out the  
fare she owed him. He watched as she pulled some euros out of her pocket and  
threw them at the driver. He had to get her into the shop. He gathered up the  
bin bags she'd brought with her and shepherded her inside. Her eyes seemed to  
dart around, she looked as if she didn't know where she was.  
'Do you...can I get you something?' He questioned, trying to draw her into a  
conversation, trying to snap her back into something approaching reality. Her  
head seemed to loll, limply from side to side. She was wasted. God only knew  
what she'd taken.  
'I'm sorry that I missed your party last night.' The randomness of her comment struck him. How did she even know he'd even had a birthday party? His party, he knew it was wrong given the current circumstances but he couldn't help but think of Vince. Vince.  
She reached out and took his hand, squeezing it gently.

'Thank you. I love you.' She smiled through what was left of her tears. She was shaking, she  
looked like she hadn't eaten in a month. He had to get her upstairs into the  
flat.'I...I love you too.'


	3. Lights out

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_(flashback)_

_She'd been on her own, stranded in a lonely unforgiving world. The  
cold rain had drenched her. Her teeth had rattled and chattered, and she was  
freezing. She was certain that she would die this time, die from __hypothermia__.  
She'd been nonchalant towards her fate. Wandering about in the darkness, the  
battered heel had snapped off her shoe, sending her tumbling into a gutter.  
She hadn't bothered to get up. She'd justhunched there, pulling her coat tight  
against her body sucking what was left of warmth from cheap the fabric. She'd  
turned her face from the world. Ice cream.  
And then she'd heard it, the faint twang of an __Ice cream van__. She'd licked  
her blue tinted lips at the noise, she'd been hungry so hungry. She tried to  
remember the last time she'd had an ice cream, and couldn't. She'd pulled  
herself out of the gutter, stumbling incoherently towards the music. It had  
called to her like a Siren on a rock. And then she'd seen it, a large pink ice  
cream van. It was just sitting there, singing away.  
'Will you stop playing with that!' She'd jumped almost out of her skin at the  
sound of the angry female voice.  
'Aw Bernadette I didn't mean to, I just wanted to play with it a little.'  
Another female voice had replied, it had sounded so different from the first  
voice, which had been filled with unspoken frustration. The second was softer,  
childish and almost dreamlike. Her fear had died. She missed people, people's  
voices, she'd been alone for such a long time.  
'Oh 'ello.' The plastic screen had suddenly parted and a girl had  
appeared.She'd blinked back mutely at the greeting, staring at the strange  
creature infront of her. The girl she guessed had been the same age as her,  
she'd been cute, not pretty with a childlike demeanour, which had only been  
enhanced by the lollipop hanging out of her mouth. She'd looked like someone  
from the 1950's had been sick on her, and that the sick in question had been  
pink all pink. She'd had a child's plastic paint box hanging from around her  
slender neck.  
The girl had smiled back at her dreamily, rolling the lollipop across her  
tongue.'Do you want a ice cream?' The girl had asked. She'd nodded  
hungrily._

_'We ain't got any ice cream, but we've got this Topshop bag filled  
with coke!' The girl had informed her with a casual shrug holding up a large  
open plastic bag, which was as she had correctly informed filled with cocaine.  
_

_She'd watched as the girl had rolled the tip of her lollipop in the white  
powder, coating the pink sticky end, before placing it back into her mouth.  
'Jesus, Suki!' The body that belong to the first female voice appeared  
suddenly. 'What the fuck are you doing!' The second woman raged in a strong  
Geordie accent. She looked older than both of them.'Here!' She'd watched  
silently as the second female had picked up an icecream scoop, thrusting it in  
the girl's face.'Play with this!'  
'Oh, I can see me...shiny.' The girl, Suki had giggled in childlike delight  
upon spotting her reflection in the spoon.  
'Get in the back you hussy' The second woman pushed her comrade roughly into the back  
of the van, out of her sight. 'Jesus.' The blonde woman had muttered under her  
breath as she'd run a hand across her face. She looked different from the girl,  
her style was harder top in down. She'd worn a black trilby hat at an angle, an  
electric blue sequin play suite, faded blue cowboy boots and orange leggings.  
Not that she had seen the boots and leggings then, she'd seen them later.  
There'd been a raw attitude about her.  
The gun had appeared from nowhere, it was suddenly thrust in her face. She'd  
just stood there staring down the barrel, impassive. She'd never been afraid  
of dying; it had been living that had always terrified her. 'What the fucks  
wrong with you, I'm going to shoot you, don't just stand there, do something!'  
She didn't flinch. She heard a frustrated sigh, and then...nothing. 'You're fucking  
crazy.' Sailor mused, scratching her temple with the barrel of the small hand  
gun as she spoke. 'I like that. So you wanna join our gang?'  
Silently she mulled over the proposition. She was cold and hungry, they had  
lots of drugs and seemed nice enough. It was better than nothing. Besides it  
probably wouldn't work out, they'd all be dead, mown down in a Bonnie and  
Clyde style shoot out, by the end of the week. So she hadn't had anything to  
lose.  
Her response had been a simple shrug. And then she'd kissed her. The older  
woman, Sailor, had leaned down and kissed her. It was different, not because  
Sailor was a girl, she'd kissed girls before, but because she'd never felt  
like that when anyone had kissed her before...warm and special.  
'So what's your name? I'm,'  
'Bernadette...' A muffled voice floated out from inside the van.  
'Sailor, and the moron in pink is Suki Sorento.' Sailor mused skipping over  
the interruption.  
'My name is Moon, Mabel Moon.'  
'Can you read a map, Moon?' Sailor's voice had cut through the warm fuzzy  
feelings that had flooded her.  
'Yeah, I was in the Brownies.' The door of the van had opened, and before she  
had known about it she was sitting in the passenger seat sandwiched between  
the two very different young women.  
'Brownies, cool, you still got the uniform, Moon?' Sailor had asked as she'd  
passed her a map. The question had thrown her off guard, it had been the way  
the older blonde woman had looked at her from the corner of her eye when she  
_

_had said it. It had made her feel...hot and flustered. But in a good way.  
'Where are we going?' It was funny how quickly her solitary 'I' turned  
into 'we'.  
'America.' Suki had answered giggling obliviously, pulling a lollipop out of  
her pocket coating it in the bag of white powder, which was cradled  
protectively in her lap, and handing it to her.  
'Right, we should take a left then.' She'd mused, slipping the lollipop  
between her lips.  
'How long do you think it'll take to get to America?' Suki had  
questioned, absent mindedly flipping through a pink glittery CD pouch._

_(End flashback) _

_  
_'Vince!' Howard called out excitedly as he burst through Vince's bedroom  
door. To his surprise the bed was empty. He glanced around the room, Vince's  
straighteners were still plugged in and the wardrobe door was open.  
'Howard.'  
Where was Vince? He wouldn't have left the flat without saying something to  
him first, would he? He had been on the phone, maybe he'd heard him and not  
wanted to bother him.

'Howard.' Vince had probably gone to see Leroy. He glanced  
down at his watch registering the time, not Leroy it was to early, he never  
got up until late afternoon.  
'Howard.' Topshop, maybe Vince had gone to...  
'H...Howard!' The sound of his name pulled him back into reality, away from  
Vince. He spun around, to his horror she was bent double, kneeling on the  
floor and clutching her stomach, being sick.  
He'd done it again, he'd complete ignored her.

'Mabel, I'm so sorry.' He apologised, sweeping her matchsticklike frame up into his arms and carrying her without any difficulty into his bedroom, depositing her gently down on the  
centre of his single bed. He ran his hand across her forehead, she was cold,  
she was so cold it scared him. He wrapped her up tightly in his blanket,  
before dashing back into the kitchen. He quickly rinsed out a cup, filling it  
with water from the tap, and the washing up bowl. He was just in time with the  
bowl, snatching it from him she was sick again. Moments seemed to pass like  
water. Finally she stopped being sick. He was scared, so scared. He crawled  
into his bed next to her, wrapping his arms protectively around her skinny  
form. Nervously he watched as she drifted into sleep. It had always been like  
this, they'd never had a conventional sibling relationship, he'd always felt  
more like her parent than her brother.

When he woke up the room was dark and she was gone. Panic had gripped him,  
but had quickly subsided once he'd smelt the smoke and heard the familiar  
splash of liquid hitting glass.  
'Mabel?' Sitting up in bed he caught sight of a burning ember hunched low in  
the corner of his bedroom. The light flashed on, almost blinding him.  
'I didn't mean to wake you, you looked like you needed the rest.' She  
apologised, a cigarette hanging limply from her mouth. She was fully  
recovered. 'Here.' She grinned as she filled a second glass cradled in her lap  
from the bottle of wine she waved in her hand. She saw the look on his face  
and pouted.

'Just this once Howard, I won't touch another drop.'  
He sighed and gave in, retrieving the glass. He always gave into her. And  
then she took him by surprise, not for the first time that day leaping onto  
the bed next to him, wrapping her arms around him in a twisted giggle.  
'Surprise, Ninja style cuddles.' From the corner of his small 'shrimplike'  
gaze he studied her, her mind was wandering, floating about in the ether. He  
disentangled himself from her grip, climbing out of his bed, silently he  
opened his wardrobe door and rummaged inside. Distraction was the key, when  
things grew too difficult, too quiet, too intense, too deep, he just  
distracted her.  
'Oh Howard...you kept it!' He couldn't help but smile when confronted by the  
look of childlike happiness, which had been written across her features.

'My old uniform,' He handed it to her, he watched as her hands wandered over the  
coarse dark green fabric. He suddenly saw her as she had been.  
Fifteen, sitting on her sleeping bag with long dark brown plaits.

'Well, I always thought you might have come back.' His brain tripped over the words  
that had spilled from his mouth, had he actually said them? Why had he said  
them? Because it had been true. He'd thought, he'd hoped, he'd prayed that she  
would get better, she'd come back to him, and everything could have gone back  
to the way it had been.  
'I wanted to.' Her voice was so wistful when she spoke he barely heard it.  
Her face suddenly changed along with her mood, the sadness was gone, concealed  
by a mask of enforced jovial happiness. She wasn't anything like Vince,  
really.

'We had such good times at the Zoo, better than the ones before, do you  
remember?' He did remember, but what he remembered wasn't exactly good. It was  
patchy sunshine. Some of the worst times of his life had been spent with  
her. They'd both become slaves to her mood swings. Sometimes it had been good,  
they'd had fun. But the only really good times, the only fun he'd ever had at  
the Zoo, or anywhere else, had been with Vince... because of Vince.  
'I was happy at the Zoo, Howard.' He felt sorry for her, the pity washed over  


him like a wave. He sat back down on his bed next to her. An awkward moment  
passed, he knew that at a moment like this people would generally want to be  
touched, comforted by the warmth of human contact. He swallowed hard, reaching  
out he'd slipped his hand in her's.  
He was truly, truly terrible with people. Instead of saying something funny  
or comforting he'd dredged up something that had been eating away at him ever  
since the Zoo. 'Bainbridge said, he said he...' His voice had died in his  
throat, he couldn't finish the sentence, he had no idea why he had started it  
in the first place.  
Her hand had tensed under his.'Bainbridge was a jerk off! He was just jealous  
of you, Howard.' She'd turned to face him, fixing him with a stare. She was  
lying. The weight of the revelation hit him hard. God he wanted to kill him,  
he'd burned with rage he'd, wanted to choke the life out of Dixon Bainbridge  
with his bare hands and then jump on his lifeless corpse.  
'I'm going to be better here, like I was at the Zoo. I'll be better won't I?'  
It was a question, which they'd both known there was no answer to. They'd  
stared at each other, both knowing exactly what the other was thinking, but  
neither of them giving voice to those thoughts.  
Just one day at a time. She could be better, but she would never get better.  
He skipped over her question.'You can work with me and Vince in the shop.  
You'll like Vince.' His face had been burning at the mention of Vince's name,  
his voice was strained, filled with embarrassment.  
She'd giggled and jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow.'Do you like Vince,  
Howard?' She asked, a mischievous grin spread over her features.  
He didn't even need to think, he just said the first thing that came into his  
head.

'I love him.'  
The soundtrack of Gary Numan's Cars had flooded the room as he'd spoke.'Oh  
Howard!' She'd squealed, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck. The notes  
from Cars had grown louder and he'd suddenly realised that it was Vince,  
Vince's phone that was making that noise. He must have come back, from  
wherever he had been.  
'Vince!' He'd almost flung her off him when he'd burst up from his bed. He'd  
dashed into the living room following the sound of the music.But there was  
nothing. The music had stopped and Vince was gone again.He suddenly found  
himself doubting the whole thing, Vince had never really been there, he'd just  
wanted him to be so desperately that his mind had just made the whole non event  
up.


	4. Love will tear us apartagain

**Radar Rox as always thanks 4 BETA-ING me...lol...and I meant feel not fell lol...typo...lol...: D**

**Thanks loads also 2 stars of andromeda and chugirl2526 4 ur great reviews of the last chapter:)**

**I think this fic is a little 'meh' if u know what that. **

**Oooh the title if from the **_**Joy Division **_**song 'Love will tear us apart', which I totally wrote...: D Before I was born...lol...no, no I didn't write it...lol...**

**N I don't own this lol...**

Howard was finally alone.  
It had been a long fractious night, but finally she was quiet again,  
sleeping. He'd spent what had remained of the night sitting on the sofa,  
waiting. Waiting for Vince. As the hours had slowly ticked by it had dawned on  
him that Vince wasn't coming home.  
He'd sat on the sofa and run every possible scenario through his head.  
Maybe Vince had gone to Topshop, and then popped round to see Leroy, and then  
ended up being dragged out to some club? Maybe Vince was off his . Maybe  
Leroy was off his well, there was really no maybe about that.  
Maybe they'd both just gone back to Leroy's? That made sense, if Vince  
had gone to Topshop he'd have no reason to come back to the flat to get  
changed, he'd probably just gone out in whatever new outfit he'd bought.  
But Vince did have a reason to come back to the flat; he was there. Surely  
Vince would want to see him, surely if he'd been going out with Leroy he  
would have come and got him. Things were different now, they'd slept  
together, Vince wouldn't just neglect him, would he?  
Maybe it had all been a terrible mistake. They had both been drunk, really  
really drunk. And he had been depressed and disappointed by being rejected by  
yet another member of the opposite sex. The pencilcase girl had been  
interested in him, but after the initial bouncy castle euphoria had warn off  
he'd ignored her, he hadn't been able to get the kiss, Vince's kiss, out  
of his head.  
Oh God, he was so confused! It shouldn't have felt like this, should it? He  
felt as if his world was spinning off its axis. Maybe he was wrong? Maybe  
something terrible had happened to Vince? Maybe he wasn't with Leroy, what  
if there'd been a clothes avalanche in Topshop? Vince could be lying under a  
pile of jeans, or in a hospital bed... or even... No, no he didn't want to  
go there. His chest felt unbearably tight just at the thought of Vince  
being...  
He swallowed hard. He thought about phoning Vince, he had the phone in his  
hands, he'd punched in the familiar digits but at the very last minute  
he'd changed his mind. He had to be casual, he didn't want Vince to think  
he was clingy; the last thing he wanted to do was put Vince off. But this was  
Vince, his best friend, his crimping soul mate, no one knew him better. He  
already knew he was clingy and desperate for the warmth of human affection, in  
fact, Vince already knew everything about him, all the embarrassing details of  
his sad pathetic life, how could he even be thinking about playing it aloof  
and cool?  
He rang Vince. He listened nervously to the ringing. He put the phone down.  
Then he picked it up. He redialled, and then he put it down again. It went on  


like this for a few minutes, until the answer machine had clicked in and  
he'd heard Vince's voice. Vince's voice...Vince's voice was like the  
sweetest music, he'd never noticed that before.  
Vince changed his voice mail messages like he changed everything else,  
suddenly and frequently. But the message that had greeted his ears had  
surprised him, it was simple and bleak. It was devoid of Vince's charm and  
personality.

_Vince Noir. Busy. _

Leave message. He'd put the phone down before  
the tone. And then he'd picked it up again, replaying Vince's message. It  
didn't sound like him, it sounded hollow. The greeting seemed to encapsulate  
everything that had changed and gone wrong between them. Busy.  
Vince was always busy, he had always been busy, he was flighty. But generally  
'busy' for Vince had meant busy with him, or Leroy, or busy with at least  
someone whose name he had heard mentioned more than once before.  
But Vince's definition of busy had changed. Vince had started to leave him  
out of things, there was a whole part of his best friend's life that he knew  
nothing about, that had been annexed off from him.  
Vince had started to make boxes, and these boxes were filled with people who  
were at all times kept separate.

His 'birthday party' had highlighted the  
situation, when the boxes filled with people had all come together. He'd  
seen Vince; he was different to every person, depending on the box. He'd  
watched him struggle to be something special to everyone. Memorable. Vince had  
looked for the first time in his whole life, or at least in all the time that  
he'd known him, tired, worn out. Only someone who truly knew Vince had  
noticed, only he had been able to see through the thick layers of pretence.  
He hated himself for what he had thought in that moment, that it had served  
Vince right. That this was what he'd always wanted, now he had it he'd  
never enjoy it.  
Climbing the mountain had been easy; it was staying at the summit that would  
be hard. He'd been jealous.

He'd always been jealous of Vince; he still  
had the kitten picture from when they'd worked at the Zoo. He'd hidden it  
in his sock drawer along with various other things, every now and then he'd  
still pull it out and look at it when things were just too difficult.  
But the jealousy that had burned in him that night hadn't been about  
desperately wanting to match up to Vince, or wanting to be better than him, it  
had been about the attention that Vince lavished on other people. Attention  
that he'd never lavished on him, ever. Vince had made a super human effort  
to impress nobodies, and they hadn't even noticed, not really. They'd just  
all thought this is Vince Noir, 'Rock 'n' roll star', this is how it  
is at his gaff. No big deal, no big deal.  
But it was a big deal. At least, it had been for him. Confusion over took him  
again. His mind ran back to the conversation with his sister in his bedroom.  
'I love him.' He wondered why he had said it. Because it had been the  
first thing that had come flying into his head at that moment? Why had it been  
the first thing that had come flying into his head at that moment? How could  
he love Vince when he made him feel so... he didn't have the words for how  


Vince made him feel. He was so mixed up inside at the thought of Vince. One  
part of him wanted to strangle the life out of his annoying little friend.  
Another part of him wanted to kiss Vince. He wanted to kiss Vince the way he  
had kissed him the night before, when their mouths had grown swollen and red  
with the passion. He wanted to touch him. Feel the way he had. Their bodies  
had fitted together perfectly.  
He ran his hand across his face in frustration. He finally got up from the  
sofa, losing the phone. The first faint violet and burning scarlet streaks of  
dawn outlined the early morning sky, slicing through the midnight darkness. He  
couldn't think, he didn't want to think about Vince anymore. He was just  
making a fuss he reasured himself, Vince would eventually come home and then  
and then what? He hadn't thought that far ahead, but what would happen next?  
That morning, the previous morning seemed to grow fainter. He'd been so sure  
then, so sure of a future of just him and Vince. But now everything seemed  
different, as if it had all been a dream, and now he was awake, this was  
reality. He desperately wanted to go back to sleep, to crawl back into that  
perfect dream.  
He tidied up the flat. He needed the distraction. It was a dirty job, but it  
didn't take long, he'd worked like a man possessed. And then he'd turned  
his attention to her things. They'd already cluttered up the flat. She'd  
always been untidy, spreading herself everywhere like an infection. He  
wondered how Vince would react to her? They were a lot alike in many ways,  
they'd probably get on better than he and Vince did.  
But then there was the other thing, Vince didn't know about that, noone  
did; how would Vince cope with that? And where was she going to stay? She was  
in his room for the time being, but what about when Vince came back? He'd  
just assumed that he'd start sharing Vince's room as it was the bigger of  
the two, but what if it was all to soon? He knew Naboo and Bollo wouldn't  
mind her moving in. Naboo would never turn down the extra rent, and she had  
been Bollo's keeper before Vince. And they both knew what was wrong with  
her, they'd been exposed to it already, he was sure it wouldn't bother  
them a second time. But it wouldn't be like that this time, it would be  
different, he really would look after her. It had been a long time but he'd  
never forgotten all the things he and their parents had had to do for her. The  
most important thing would be to find her a GP and then a psychotherapist.  
He opened the vintage black leather _Chanel_ bag she had brought with her;  
three things greeted his gaze. The gun, the wad of Euros and the dozens of  
small powder blue pills, which had collected at the bottom of the handbag.  
Abilify, he'd recognise those small blue pills anywhere. So somewhere along  
the way she'd been together enough to get herself the medication she  
needed.  
The bundle of Euros caught his attention again, he counted them roughly  
losing count at 150. What was she doing with 150 Euros? And the gun. He put  
stuffed the money back into the bag but the gun and the pills he kept with  
him. Maybe she really had killed someone, although he doubted it. She'd  
probably found the gun in her possession and confusingly convinced herself  
that she was a murder...he hoped.  
Something darker filled his mind. Maybe she had planned on doing it again,  
trying to kill herself, her last attempt had been so ad hock.  
He moved quickly, deciding that the best place for the gun was out of  
everyone's sight. He dashed into Vince's room, it was the only thing he  
could think to do, when Vince came home he'd explain it to him. He stashed  


the gun under Vince's bed, it was so cluttered under there with discarded  
old clothes and sweet wrappers he was sure that even if he didn't tell Vince  
about the gun he'd never find it.  
And then he'd stood back up and realised he was standing in Vince's room.  
Sheepishly he glanced at Vince's bed. If he squinted he could almost picture  
Vince lying there in front of him, the way he had the previous morning. He did  
love him.  
He was tired, so tired of everything. He didn't fight his tiredness, he  
didn't even try. Part of him had wanted to stay up and wait for Vince to  
return to him, but the other part of him, which was just so much stronger,  
told his body to give itself up to the wave of sleep that had washed over him.  
He melted into Vince's sheets. The material was cold, all of Vince's heat  
was gone. But he could still smell Vince. He clutched Vince's pillow against  
his face, smiling as he inhaled the familiar scent of his best friend.  
Hairspray, sherbert, coconut conditioner and flirtinis. It should have been a  
sickly mixture, and to many people it probably was; but to him it wasn't,  
to him it was warm and comforting and love.  
He drifted off into sleep surrounded by all that was left of Vince Noir.  
_Stale hairspray, fizzy sherbert, synthetic coconut, sticky alcohol and  
glitter. Lots and lots of glitter._


	5. March of the dawn

**Okay so this is a sequil/prequil 2 my other story the Bomb, which was written from Vince's POV. This is written from Howard's POV, and sometimes Mabel's. This is esentially the other side of the conversation. N there is going 2 be more Vince in this. I have no idea where I'm going with this...lol...I was gonna only write 2 chapters now it's 5 lol...**

**But ne when it seems boring or repative I'm gonna ditch it...lol...**

**So the title of this chapter is **_**March of the Dawn **_**it's an amazing song by **_**The Mummers. **_

**Thanks 2 my BETA Radar Rox.**

**And 2 my reviewers chugirl2526 and SisiDraig ur reviews mean loads: D**

**Oh PS I don't own this: )**

Howard Moon met Vince Noir on the very first day at his new school. The first  
time they'd met was less than momentous, in fact he wasn't even sure Vince  
remembered correctly the first time that they had met. Vince always babbled on  
about sharing Jellitots in the playground, which was correct, they had shared  
Jellitots in the playground but that had been after the first time they had  
met.  
It took place in detention. The injustice of the situation had filled him  
with silent impotent rage. He hadn't even done anything wrong; he was just  
trying to protect her.  
_'Mabel, Mabel?' His voice had sounded alien to his ears, he'd never  
realised it before but he sounded like he came from Leeds. It was just another  
thing that set him apart from the rest of his fellow student body, along with  
his height and his moustache.  
'Howard!' She'd sprung out from behind the bike sheds, her cheeks  
flushed. She wasn't alone; there was a boy with her, which came as no  
surprise._

'_Oh Howard this is...' She'd frowned; it was obvious she had  
no idea of the name of the boy who'd left a large red suction mark on her  
neck.  
'Austin.' The boy had introduced himself; he'd been a lot older than  
Howard and Mabel. _

'_Is that your Dad?' The boy had foolishly asked. Her  
reply was a traditional punch, she'd twatted him smack across his jaw line._

'No he's not my fucking Dad you plank!' She'd screamed at the top of her  
lungs, looming violently over the boy's sprawled and bleeding form. 

'_Come on, Howard.' _

No, unbelievably that was not what he'd been in detention  
for. It had nothing to do with the fact that his sister had knocked out the  
head boy, and everything to do with the two small rollups she'd been  
concealing in her pencil case.

_  
'Howard, Howard! Oi, __Tom Selleck__!' Her arm had appeared from nowhere;  
she'd grabbed him by the tie and pulled him roughly into the line next to  
her._

'_Howard, I need you to do me a massive favour.' He'd shuddered at  
the thought of the last favour he'd done for her __**('Just bend his legs and  
shove him in. Noone plays this piano anyway.'**__) _

'_Mabel, I'm not.'  
'Oh please Howard, please.' She'd begged in a hushed whisper, her  
fingers clutching the sides of his blazer. There had been real desperation in  
her voice; he'd hated hearing it, he still did. His face must have given  
away his weakened resolution, because she'd smiled._

'_Here, give 'em back  
to me after class 'kay.'  
Her small hand had slipped in his, and she deposited the rollups in his palm  
with expert accuracy. She'd always been good at hiding things.  
His eyes had widened. _

'_Mabel, is that...drugs?' He'd choked out a horse  
whisper after examining the contents of his hand. Unhelpfully she'd  
shrugged.  
'Howard, relax it's just some weed don't pee yourself again.' The  
'again' had really hurt. She'd giggled and jabbed him in the ribs with  
her bony elbow.  
'Aren't you a little young to be smuggling drugs?' He'd questioned  
lamely.  
'I ain't smuggling them, God Howard sometimes you can be so square.'  
Square, square it had been the 90's not the 1960's.  
'Mabel, you're only thirteen!'  
'Only physically!' Was her response as she'd shoved him as hard as she  
could back out of the line._

Needless to say concealing drugs about his person  
hadn't exactly sat well with his teenage self. He'd snapped at one of the  
teachers, and that's how he'd found himself in detention that late October  
afternoon the two small joints burning a hole in his blazer pocket,  
metaphorically.  
At first he'd been under the misapprehension that it had been just him and  
the bored looking teacher in the classroom, but he'd been wrong. He'd  
dropped his biro and when he'd bent down to pick it up he'd angled his  
head and out of the corner of his small eyes he'd caught sight of a shape. The shadowy  
shape belonged to a boy. The boy had been sat at the back of the room in the  
corner.  
He'd been staring out of the classroom window seemingly transfixed by the  
flashing lights from cars as they passed the school in the Autumnal darkness.  
The boy was completely silent, with a pair of neon yellow headphones fused to  
his head. Perhaps it was that, which had first attracted Howard Moon to Vince  
Noir, the fact that Vince seemed to live completely contained within his own  
private universe, just like him.  
The hour had gone by quickly with the realisation that he'd spent most of  
his time staring at the mysterious boy in the corner. His homework had  
remained undone. And he'd still been unable to think up a valid excuse to  
spoon feed his parents regarding his lateness.  
'_Miss Noir.'_ The bored teacher had called from the front of the  
classroom. All he could think at that moment was there is no way that was a  


girl, was it? He was sure it had been a boy he was staring at. It had  
certainly been dressed in the boys' version of the school uniform, however  
vaguely with the flared trousers, neon belt and dozens of badges.  
The boy didn't look up, so the teacher had been forced to get up from  
behind the desk and cross the room. He'd watched as the teacher had roughly  
jabbed Vince in the arm he wouldn't have gotten away with that nowadays.  
_'It's time to go Vincent, detention is over.'_  
That's how he'd learned that Vince had been a boy, and that his name had  
been Vince. Vince had gotten up silently from his desk, gathered up his  
belongings, slung his backpack over one shoulder and casually left. He'd  
never even looked at him, Vince had never noticed him.  
He'd made a move to follow Vince, but the teacher had stopped him.

'_Not you Moon; I want a word with you.'  
_And that was he'd first encountered Vince Noir. There'd been no  
thunderclap, or a celestial voice from the heavens; there'd been nothing to  
suggest to him or anyone else for that matter that Vince would one day become  
the most important person in his life. Maybe Vince was right though. Maybe the  
first time they had actually, met exchanged words and sentences had been in  
the playground; when Vince had offered him a handful of _Jellitots_.

'_Not the yellow one. They're my favourites.'_


	6. Washed out nightmares

**This chapter is a bit rambly: D**

**Some quick thanks u's firstly 2 my wonderful BETA Radar Rox: D**

**N thank u's also 2 stars of antromeda, SisiDraig, chugirl2526, BeckyRocks-x thanks 4 ur lovely reviews guys they mean tons and tons: )**

Hope u like this, this chapter is a bit shit...lol...

How had it happened?

How had a friendship that was built on the solid platonic foundations, been over thrown so dramatically?

From the outside it seemed like an awfully big leap. But thinking back there had always been something different, hovering between them just out of view. It was like electric elastic, stretching them pulling them as far apart as possible, but snapping them back into place always snapping them back with the fizzle of static.

It was an unspoken rule that they would never leave each other. If they made plans for a future, not that ether of them did; it was shared. A shared future. Vince Noir '_Rock 'n' roll'_ star, author of the _Charlie books_, famous electro poof and Howard Moon Jazz maverick, author, cyclist, actor living dynamic, exciting and famous lives accompanied by their girlfriends, who would be ether best friends or sisters that hadn't yet been decided. The _Indie ABBA_.

It was one of those '_when I grow up I want to be...'_ scenarios. Hardly anyone ever actually achieves this feat. Live takes over, the pace of it overwhelms childish desires and before you know it you've fallen into line behind everyone else. Filing your frustrated self away under '_will do this tomorrow'_. But they had still been together and they had remained resolute with the idea that it would be forever.

_That night, he'd gone looking for Vince; even now he didn't know why. He'd been so confused after the kiss he'd just needed to talk to someone, and the only person he could think of was Vince. But there was more to it than that. He'd had to be with him, to be near him to trail along in Vince's wake. Everyone else seemed to disappear. Nothing had mattered in that moment except finding his friend. When he had finally found Vince it had been a surprise. The last place he actually thought of looking for Vince had been in Vince's bedroom, he just couldn't comprehend the idea of his friend hauled up in his room while a party, which dedicated to him raged on just behind the door. He'd waited and nervously listened, his ear pressed up against the fabric of the door, as he tried to sort the music and the voices from the cold empty silence. There'd been nothing._

_So he'd pushed open the door. Vince had been sitting hunched on one side of his double bed bathed in the solitary amber glow of street lighting, which had washed through the bedroom window. Vince had been so quiet; he'd forgotten how quiet his friend could be when he wanted to be._

'_Little man, what are you doing in here?' He'd asked they had been the first words he'd uttered to his friend since Vince had gotten bored of the bouncy castle and seemingly skipped off. Vince hadn't responded. As he'd moved closer to his friend he'd noticed for the first time the pair of battered looking neon yellow headphones fused to Vince's head, flattening down his hair. _

_He'd reached out and touched his friend. Brushing his arm lightly across Vince's shoulder. It had felt different, illicit._

_Vince had jumped at his touch, he'd jumped half off the bed and almost entirely out of his skin._

'_Howard.' Vince had clutched at his chest as he'd struggle to regain control over his breathing, he'd been grinning._

'_Sorry Little man.' He'd apologised weakly, as he'd taken up the space in the bed sitting next to his friend._

'_S'ok.' Vince had shrugged and beamed with a smile that was just magic._

'_You should get them to play it.' He'd spoken again stumbling over his words, struggling with the terrible dialogue, which seemed at the time to be forming in his mouth against the better judgement of his brain. His comments had been directed to the retro Walkman, Vince had been clutching tightly in his hands._

'_They won't play this.' Vince had stated simply, before falling backwards onto his mattress casually placing his arms behind his head. He'd followed him repeating the action. This had been nothing new; they'd done this plenty of times before especially on Sunday afternoons when they'd both be recovering from eating too much food. They'd just lay there side by side staring up at the ceiling of which ever one of their beds they'd ended up on. They'd talk about rubbish and they'd crimp until Vince would have to start getting ready to go out, or Bollo would call them back in to the living room for desert. _

'_I want some cherry cake.' Vince had exhaled. He hadn't been sure whether his friend's statement had been a desire or a request, or a mix of both._

_But all the thinking in the world had been swept away suddenly, when he'd felt the warm sweet pressure of Vince's lips on his own. There are no words to describe the way he felt when Vince had kissed him that second time, voluntarily. He played the moment over and over again in his head._

'_Vince...'_

'_Shush, no don't...don't speak. Don't think; just...just be with me Howard.'_

'I love you' his words had burned in his throat; they were still burning when he opened his eyes and felt the warm body snuggled tightly against his own. He'd smiled shifting to stare at the form next to him, his smile soon slipped away at the sight of the messy bleached hair, which greeted him. It was her. She'd always done this; she seemed to gravitate at night to the nearest warm body, which had happened generally to be his body. She'd never liked it at night, especially when she'd started to get ill.

The older they got the more awkward it had become; their parents had always regarded it with suspicion, just another thing that made their children so alien to them.

He remembered the first time Vince had slept over. They'd pitched a tent at the bottom of the garden and spent the whole night in their separate sleeping bags scaring each other stupid and eating so many sweets that he was almost sick. They must have eventually fallen asleep, because he'd been woken up by an anxious cry, which had emanated from Vince. She'd been there, sitting in Vince's sleeping bag. She'd claimed at the time that she'd been confused, that she'd mistaken Vince for him but he didn't believe her she couldn't lie to him.

'_Vince!'_

'_Howard!' _

Naboo's familiar lisp travelled through Vince's closed bedroom door.

He slipped out of Vince's bed trying his hardest not to wake her, repeating his actions. He glanced at her sprawled out tangled in Vince's sheets, he felt sliver of anger pulse through him. That was Vince's space, his sheets, his pillows, his mattress she had no right to be laying there.

_Vince! Howard__!'_

Sheepishly he opened the door confronted suddenly by the sight of the tiny Shaman and Bollo.

'Alright Naboo.' Naboo frowned glancing past him, he was obviously still hung-over.

'Vince still asleep? Why isn't the shop open?' Naboo's flow of questioned knocked him off balance. He blinked at the Shaman, did he know about them? Nothing gave it away, but then again nothing about Naboo ever gave anything away.

'I urgh...'

'_Howard.'_ He'd opened his mouth to speak, but her voice had cut him short. She appeared from Vince room wearing only her underwear and a pair of knee high socks.

'Poor Mabel.' Precious Vince and Poor Mabel, the Gorilla without knowing it had summed up the entire lives of the two people who meant the most to him in the world. It was a stark contrast.

'Alright monkey man.' She giggled as she wrapped her twig like arms tightly around Bollo's hairy form.

Naboo was staring at him.

The Shaman crossed the room ignoring the girl and the Gorilla who were giddily jumping up and down excited to be back in one another's company after so long.

'Where's Vince?'

'I don't know.' It was the first time he'd acknowledged the fact that he really had no idea where Vince was, it had terrified him.

Naboo glanced between the pair of them for a few moments saying nothing just taking it all in. He hadn't expected the Shaman's reaction to be so strange, he'd always thought how well his sister and Naboo had gotten on. But the way the tiny Shaman regarded her now was a similar expression to that of someone who'd just captured a wasp under a glass. She was contained but she had the potential to sting.

'Hello Naboolio.' She grinned from over Bollo's shoulder; the pair were still dancing about.

'Mabel.' Naboo economically shrugged back.

She seemed less surprised at this greeting; she seemed to expect the Tiny Shaman to be harsh with her.

'Howard have a shower yea, you stink. And open the shop.' Naboo mused in his casual way, his mood suddenly passing.

Like everything else generally Naboo was right about the shower thing, he really had stunk.

'Naboo about the shop,' He'd managed to catch the Shaman just before he'd disappeared off into his own room.

'My heads banging.' Naboo had grumbled clutching at his lop-sided turban.

'Yea she can but if there's any funny business I'll turn my back on both of you. I don't care what Vince's says you are a ball-bag.' The Shaman mumbled as he staggered into his bedroom closing the door behind him.

Vince said things about him? He knew that Vince said things like they were a team, and they came as a package deal. But what else had he said about him to Naboo and Bollo? Vince didn't think he was a 'ball-bag', Vince didn't think that.

_xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

After his shower the hours had seemed to tick by like seconds. It had been strange being in the shop with someone who wasn't Vince. He'd never realised how boring working in a shop really was. She'd taken to it well though. She'd even managed to sell one of his jazz records, which was a feat in itself.

But it wasn't the same. He'd kept having to remind himself that she wasn't Vince. He'd even tried to crimp with her at one point, when he'd been stock taking at the back of the shop.

'_Oh, so you still do that silly word thing then.'_ She'd just smiled back at him; he'd been flooded with embarrassment.

It was silly, he could see that. It was immature and stupid, but it had never felt that way with Vince. With Vince crimping had always felt special and magic and funny, especially funny.

The morning, afternoon, mid-afternoon and late-afternoon tea breaks had been and gone along with lunch. He'd had to practically force fed her a cheese sandwich, along with one of her small powder blue pills. He'd felt like giving up and shouting at her '_look if you want to be mad and starve to death, go ahead I don't care'_, but he couldn't because he did care.

A couple of times he'd thought he'd seen Leroy's car parked just across the road from the shop. He'd waited for Vince to appear, he'd assumed that Leroy must have dropped him off in his car. But Vince never appeared. It wasn't Leroy's car, it couldn't be. Why would Leroy park his car across the road from the shop? Why would he just sit there? Who would just sit there and watch someone? It was insane! No one would do that, or at leased no one he knew would do that, and most of the people he knew were mad.

Vince wouldn't do that, he wouldn't do that.

It gradually began to sink home, Vince wasn't coming back.

It felt as if a nuclear bomb had gone off inside his head. **Vince isn't coming back! He's gone he's left me! He's not coming back.**

Vince wouldn't let him tell him he loved him. Because he was leaving, he was always leaving now he was gone for good. How could Vince, how could he do that if he was never planning on coming back. How could Vince let him, let him realise how much he loved him and then just go just leave. Vince had never even bothered to say good-bye. More than a decade of friendship, a friendship the likes of, which neither of them had ever known before they'd met each other was gone in a second. In the time that it had taken Vince to straighten his hair and change his clothes, gone.

His heart broke. It snapped clean in to.

He'd left her to close up the shop, he hadn't cared that it was her first day he didn't care that she couldn't be trusted with the money he'd just gone up into the flat sat on the sofa and cried. It had been years and years since the last time he'd really let go of himself and had a good cry. But this wasn't a 'good cry' it was desperate; it ripped out from the very soul of him.

'_Harold crying.' _He'd heard Bollo's voice and the sound of Naboo shifting behind him, but he didn't care he just sat there curled up in a ball sobbing.

'_It's okay Bollo, I'll deal with it.' _Her voice had been followed by a pair of pale spindly limbs. At first he'd tried to push her away, but in the end his strength had failed him the way it always seemed to do and he just let her hold him.

'I can't...I can't...' Even he hadn't known what he was saying. It was just a garbled mess, which flowed out from deep somewhere inside of him.

'It's okay Howard, its okay I'm here now.' She whispered soothingly as she rocked him in her arms. She'd never held him before; he'd always been the one holding onto her struggling to keep them both afloat. It felt strange having someone there to take the burden from him.

'Vince...' He'd gasped.

'Do you want me to phone him? Look Howard he's coming back I'm sure he is, this is Vince, you and Vince. He's probably just like out with his mates or something, you know how it is.' For her it was like that disappearing for days, weeks, month's years 'visiting mates', but it wasn't like that for Vince and him. They never went anywhere, except for the odd club opening and Jazzasize without each other. Vince would have rung him; he would have got in touch to let him know that he was okay.

'Vince, Vince.' He clung to her Vince's name tripping over his tongue as if it was the only word he knew how to say.

And then suddenly he'd regained his composure. The heat inside of him froze over and the tears dried up. Vince wasn't coming back, and his life was over he had to get use to that fact. His broken heart hardened, and he pushed her away.

'I just need to lie down.' His breath left his chest shaking as he'd spoken. He'd been crying so hard that his head physically hurt.

'Howard.' He got up from the sofa straightening his beige roll neck jumper as he moved, coughing in a vain attempt to clear his voice, which had been thick with emotion. Sheepishly he met the gazes of Naboo and Bollo who stared back at him from behind the sofa. Naboo had looked concerned and Bollo had looked hurt. The ape had felt sorry for him that was great.

'Do you want a Resolve, Howard?' The Shaman had questioned as he'd shambled past him, desperate for the sanctuary of his bedroom where he could cry alone in peace.

As soon as the door was closed, he'd collapsed against it sliding down the strong framework cradling his head against his knees.

_Why, why have you done this? Why have you done this too us? If you were leaving why, why didn't you just leave? I was ready to hate you, why didn't you make me hate you? Why did you make me love you?_

_Why do you hate me, Vince?_


	7. Last one standing up against the wall

**Another quick update: D**

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**Hope u all enjoy this, I hope it's better than the last one.**

Shutting someone out of your heart his hard.

But shutting someone out of a heart that beats only for them, only because of them is impossible.

And it was impossible for Howard Moon however hard he tried.

The first thing he did was to change the sheets on Vince's bed. Mercilessly he'd rammed the brightly coloured fabric into the washing machine as if he'd not only wanted to wash away every trace of that night, but every trace of Vince as well.

The second thing he had done was to tare Vince's posters off his bedroom walls. He'd swept away the smug posturing expressions of _Numan, Jagger, Bowie, The Horrors_. There'd been at least ten black bin bags when he'd finished. The room had looked bigger, without Vince's pop idols cluttering up the space. _Stark._

They'd all thought he'd lost his mind; Naboo, Bollo, Lester even her. But he'd found it if anything, for the first time in years he'd felt as if he was thinking clearly without Vince constantly buzzing around in his ear.

He'd had to exercise his ghost, Vince's ghost which seemed to hover everywhere.

He'd moved on swiftly to the nick-nacks Vince's had seemed to have spent his whole life collecting. All the things, which had been connected to Vince's childhood growing up in the jungle he'd sent to _Bryan Ferry_'s management. He couldn't be the one to throw it out; he couldn't bring himself to do it. The things relating to the Zoo had been a little easier to sort through, she'd helped him. A lot of the stuff like Vince's straighteners had belonged to her in the first place, so she'd just taken it all back.

For someone who buffeted about of the winds of fashion Vince had seemed to hoard a hell of a lot. The items pertaining to the Zoo alone had taking him more than a week. He'd worked backwards as he'd sorted away _Vince's life with Bryan Ferry, the Zoo, _then it had been collage and their gap year, and then finally it had been the recent years they'd spent together and school.

Most of it had been junk. The kind of junk that no one except him and Vince would ever have wanted to keep, at the time he hadn't wanted to keep it so he'd thrown it away along with the posters and all the photographs.

He'd thought about tearing them in half the photographs, keeping only the parts of him. But he'd changed his mind, what had been the point he knew what he looked like he had to wake up with that face everyday. What was the point when he'd known that Vince had been on the other side, burning away a constant reminder the jagged edge.

And then finally one day he'd turned his attention to Vince's wardrobe. The clothes were the last thing to go. In an act of spite he'd taken them to a charity shop, he'd known what it would have done to Vince to know his precious clothes were in a charity shop being thumbed by CHAVS and the elderly.

Out of every item which had ever existed in Vince's fabulous wardrobe only three had survived the bin-bag carnage. The cowboy boots Vince had stolen from _Black Frost_, Vince's glitter-ball suit and a silk scarf. The cowboy boots had survived because he just couldn't bring himself to let them go they were silent witness to the first time he'd ever really realised a little at least how much he'd actually loved Vince. The Mirror-ball had remained because it was Vince. Vince had made it, and it seemed to more than eloquently sum up his personality completely. The scarf had been just another scarf, but it had smelt of Vince it had smelt so strongly of his friend that when he closed his eyes at night breathing deeply he could almost let himself imagine that he was not alone that Vince was laying next to him just out of his reach.

When it was all over and he'd realised what he had done the tears that had fallen had been unstoppable. He'd been inconsolable at the thought that he'd lost everything, every material part of Vince that had ever excited was gone, and it was his fault he'd done it thrown it all away.

All he'd had from that moment on was his memories, and they had tormented him.

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'We have to do something.' She'd exhaled as she'd passed the _Hookah _hose back to Bollo.

'Poor Mabel right, Harold gone mad.' The three of them Naboo, Bollo and her had been sat on Naboo's bed, trying not to let the sound of Howard's crying filter to much into there _Hookah _session.

'Howard's not gone mad Bollo he just really misses Vince.' She'd corrected the ape seated next to her.

'Precious Vince.' Bollo had mumbled despondently. The mood in the smoke filled room had suddenly plummeted; she'd been caught between the sound of Howard's anguished muffled tears, Bollo's depressed mumblings and Naboo's pensive stares.

'Naboo you have to find him, you have to find Vince and bring him back here!' She shrieked excitedly the idea popping into her drug addled brain. Jumping up on to her feet she'd stood wobbling in the centre of the tiny Shaman's bed, until she'd been guided back down by a pair of strong monkey arms.

'You could do it Naboolio, you could bring Vince back here and then...'

'Make precious Vince stay for good.'

'Don't encourage her.' Naboo warned jabbing a finger lazily in Bollo's direction, slipping the _Hookah _hose back between his teeth.

'Why aren't you doing something Naboo don't you care about what happens to Vince? Where is he? What's going on, don't you care? He could be dead.'

'He's not dead.' Naboo uttered closing his mouth as quickly as he could, but it was to late the words were out there hanging about mixing with the smoke.

'You know where Vince is don't you?' She questioned jumping up tucking her knees underneath her as she moved, struggling to keep her voice at an excited whisper.

'Do you know what went on between Howard and Vince?' Deadpan the Shaman rolled his eyes ignoring the pleading expressions, which were firmly fixed on the ape and the girl's features.

'I think we can all guess what went on between Vince and Howard.' Bollo shifted uncomfortably next to her.

'Howard told me he's in love with him, with Vince.' She blurted out; no secret had ever been safe resting on her lips. Naboo simply nodded. When she turned her words around and looked at them she'd wondered why she'd mentioned it in the first place, it was obvious that Howard was in love with Vince and that Naboo and Bollo and probably everyone else knew it.

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It was after her conversation with the Shaman and his familiar that Vince started to haunt her. Everywhere she went he was there. His large blue eyes watching her. She couldn't escape him.

She was the only one who could see Vince, whenever he entered a room everyone seemed to look away. It had been as if her and Vince were the only to people in the Universe, and they'd been stuck facing each other. She'd started to doubt whether he actually excited, if any of it was happening or if it was all happening again.

For the first time she'd started to take her medication without hesitation or a fight. She didn't conceal the pill in her cheek or under her tongue she swallowed it, she swallowed it to make him go away but he never went away.

And then she had realised one day when she'd watched him stumble over a lose paving stone outside of Topshop that he was real it, was really him Vince Noir and not just some figment of her damaged brain like everything else seemed to be.

Vince was following her.

And one day he was behind her.

She'd been lost in music. Half heartedly dusting the shelves of Howard's beloved jazz section listening to the retro neon yellow _Walkman _she found in Vince's old bedroom, which was now her redecorated room.

She'd felt the pressure behind her of another human being cutting through the space and the music. She'd turned and jumped almost out of her skin when she'd been confronted by his face. He'd been just as startled as she was; his hand had been clutched subconsciously against his chest as he'd struggled to control his breathing.

She'd stared at him the way she'd seen people staring at works of art on Howard's boring Sunday evening documentaries, in rapture.

Vince hadn't changed, not even a little bit. He still had the same shinny sparkling aura surrounding him. She remembered how much she'd adored him when she'd been a teenager. It had been torture growing up having Vince Noir perfect, gorgeous Vince Noir always in her home; always coming over for his tea, always with her lame geeky older brother.

She'd felt like a traitor to Howard, but Vince had still managed to have the same affect on her. Maybe he had that affect on all Moons.

Her brain had suddenly engaged itself. Vince was there in the shop standing in front of her he'd come back, and where was Howard he was out! Out, getting their stupid lunch from that stupid sandwich shop that had just opened.

She'd had to keep Vince in the shop until Howard had come back. She could tell from Vince's expression he was already thinking about backing out and running away again.

'Oh sorry I didn't see you there. Can I help you?' She breathed trying her best to appear casual and engaging. She could tell that he didn't know who she was; he couldn't remember her he'd never noticed her.

She brushed past him cutting off his escape walking behind the counter she'd managed to mannover Vince into a position where she could always grab him by the flimsy skin tight fabric of his _Joan Jett _jumpsuit if the worst came to the worst. She would have quite enjoyed sitting on Vince Noir's chest until Howard returned.

'I'm just browsing.'

She hopped up onto Howard's stool her copy of _Cheekbone _catching her eye as she moved. Pulling the magazine up onto her lap she watched Vince's wide eyes had bulged at the sight of the glossy pages.

'You read _Cheekbone_?' His voice had been filled with a kind of questioning awe. The trap had snapped behind Vince and he'd never even noticed, she'd captured him she'd learned a lot from Bainbridge. Vince edged closer to her, drawn towards her like a magnet.

'Yeah, do you want a look? I should be getting another one in...' She'd paused glancing down at her watched consulting the time. _Where are you Howard?_

'...ten minutes.' She finished briskly. He'd been acting as if he'd been hypnotized, Vince couldn't take his eyes from the magazine in her hands. Her breath had caught in her throat as he'd reached out, tentatively stroking the glossy outer rim. _Don't let him get a paper cut._

She could tell he'd been softening, and it wasn't just the magazine he'd been softening to her. He'd liked her, or at least in that moment he'd started to like her. And then the spell had suddenly been broken and he'd pulled away. She'd been desperate then.

'Howard should be back soon.' She'd exclaimed, the words falling out of her mouth.

A look of utter sadness had washed over Vince's face at the mention of her brother's name. He looked as if someone had slapped him.

'Howard...I mean who, whose Howard?' Vince blundered over his words. She'd never been so confused by anyone.

'Why are you following me Vince Noir?' She questioned, her words seemed to take them both by surprise. He'd stared at her like a bird who'd suddenly realised they'd been caught in a trap. Had she looked like that, if she'd looked like that she'd wondered how Bainbridge had been able to do what he'd done to her, she certainly couldn't have done it to Vince.

'I...I...I...' His words had choked out of him and then died suddenly at the sound of the bell above the shop door.

_Howard._

She'd never been so pleased to see Howard in her whole life; he'd been like her knight in shining armour breezing in baguettes in hand breaking the unbearable tension.

'Howard, look who came back.' She hadn't wasted anytime she'd ducked out of the way, excusing herself running up the stairs to the security of the flat.

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His frozen heart had suddenly stopped.

'_Howard, look who came back.' _Her words had been muffled floating about in nothing; everything had seemed to disappear in that moment as he'd found himself staring at the back of Vince's 'oh-so' familiar head.

'Vince.' His name had escaped his lips, in a weak rasp.

The only thing that was running through his head had been joy, pure joy. **He's come back! He's come back, it doesn't even matter if he hasn't come back for me he's here he's come back! **His stomach had been doing back-flips as he'd watched Vince slowly turn to face him. Vince's eyes had been closed, and he'd had the opportunity to really look at him. He'd looked pale, unhealthy pale not just Goth posturing. Drawn to, Vince looked as if he hadn't slept in weeks he had bags real bags collecting under his eyes. And he was thin, even thinner than he generally was Vince had looked as if he was wasting away. The _Joan Jett _jumpsuit he'd been clad in was almost hanging off his shrinking form.

All he'd wanted to do was hold Vince. It hadn't even been romantic; he'd just wanted to protect him. He loved him, and Vince was still his best friend.

And then Vince had opened his eyes, his gaze had darted everywhere but eventually fallen on the floor and stayed there. It was obvious Vince couldn't bring himself to look at him. He really did hate him. Resentment bubbled up inside of him, he'd been innocent it had been Vince who'd kissed him that second time Vince who'd practically forced himself on him. Not that it had taken much forcing. And now he couldn't even bring himself to even look at him. Vince had made a mockery of everything, everything they'd shared. But he couldn't hate him however hard he tried, the love won through and got the better of him.

'Vince where have you been I've been so...' He choked on his raw emotion.

'We've all been worried about you, Little man.' _Little man_ his Little man. He struggled to hide the warmth he'd still felt for his friend, it had been coursing through him like blood in his veins pulsing away. Vince was a part of him.

'I've been around.' Had been the reply and it had hit him like a ton of bricks. He'd searched his friend's face for any trace of emotion; it was if a stranger had been wearing Vince's skin as a mask. The thing, which had been standing in front of him unable to make eye contact wasn't Vince his Vince his Vince was gone, dead. And that's when he'd realised he's lost him forever, that it was finally all over. The anger had swelled inside him.

'Vince, you've been missing for four weeks!' He'd bitten back harshly.

'Yea, I know.' It had never been awkward like that between them; he could tell that Vince had been struggling to think of things to say to him bland nothings to fill the ever growing silence.

And then Vince had glanced over his shoulder looking back at the counter behind him. For the briefest of moments he'd hoped that he'd been remembering, but then he'd realised that Vince had been just looking for her. How could he have been looking for her?

He'd tried to stop himself but it was instinct he'd reached out and touched Vince's shoulder trying to pull his attention back from the empty space. _I'm here!_

'You met Mabel she's my...' The words in his throat had died in the face of the expression Vince had flashed him, his eyes had been burning; burning with something he'd never seen before.

'Yea, I know!' Vince had angrily spat back, he'd sounded as if he'd been a record skipping.

The feel of Vince's form under his fingers had been electric, sparking all over his body. Unbearable, inescapable, perfect agony. He'd never wanted it to end; even the briefest of physical contact had been enough for him. He who had always loathed and shunned the warmth of human touch he'd always seen it as a weakness, but he was weak he'd always been weak.

'Vinc e I...I.' _I love you, more than anything more than anyone. _But he couldn't bring himself to say the words that had burned inside him, his stupid pride of , which he'd never had much of before had reared its head silencing him in a moment. He wouldn't let Vince know how much he'd desperately needed him.

And then Vince had just left without saying anything a look had crossed his features and he'd just moved past him heading for the door. He'd felt as if he was sinking stuck fast in quick sand as he'd watched the love of his life leave him.

'Vince!' He'd cried out, but it had been too late it had all been too late Vince was gone he'd literally run away from him.

After that he'd taken a pair of large kitchen scissors to Vince's once precious mirror-ball suit shredding it into angry pieces.

_I hate you, I hate you Vince Noir!_


	8. I think I kinda like Jazz

**Okay firstly I may have forgotten 2 say this before in my last couple of posts but I don't own this: D**

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They'd gone out that night. She'd been nagging him to go out with her almost since the moment Vince had left the shop. She'd wanted to take his mind off his absent friend. Finally he'd given into her and they'd gone to the _Velvet Onion_ with Naboo and Bollo, she'd introduced them to her friends she'd had a lot of friends and they'd all seemed to be Americans.

He'd had a terrible time. He'd been sat in the corner downing pint after pint attempting to drink his misery away surrounded by Vince's ghost. Vince had filled up his life he'd realised that, that awful night without that stupid shiny shallow futuristic prostitute he had nothing.

Depressed he'd spent most of the night watching her. She'd danced with Bollo, Naboo all of her friends she never seemed to stop. Every now and then she'd check on him downing another double vodka in the process, she drank that stuff the way most people drank water. She'd pouted and whined and begged him to dance with her, he'd refused over and over he hated dancing and if he would dance even for Vince he'd never dance for her.

She'd been happy and then she'd disappeared. He hadn't noticed it at first it was only when a steady stream of her friends had come over to him in search of her that he'd realised something was wrong. The whole night had been a disaster but he'd never expected it to end like that.

When he'd eventually found her she'd been standing outside of the club screaming abuse at the top of her lungs trading insults with a taxi driver.

'You're fucking nuts love!' The taxi driver had shouted back at her in his coarse cockney brogue.

'Mabel, Mabel what's going on?'

'Get off me, get off me!' She'd shrieked as she'd pulled herself roughly out of his grasp turning her rage back onto the taxi driver. In the back of his mind he knew what was coming like a premonition. She was just out of his reach, and then she was scrambling onto the bonnet of the taxi her thin bony bare legs screeching against the hard metal. She was fumbling in her bag, his heart suddenly stopped. She giggled as she brought it out, waving it a little in the air before bringing it down, the barrel ramming against the windscreen. The gun, he'd forgotten about it she must have found it under Vince's bed.

'_Jesus-fucking-Christ!' _The Taxi driver exhaled loudly, as she cocked it.

She's crazy enough she would do it she probably wouldn't even think twice or remember it, not until the morning anyway when she'd wake up covered in someone else's blood and complain because the dress she had been wearing was new and expensive.

And then something had made her change her mind, and she raised the gun up resting against the side of her head jabbing it hard into her skull, giggling away as if it had been the best joke she'd ever heard. His mouth had been hanging open. He'd been frozen in place an unwilling bystander.

'Oi Moon!' A voice, a harsh Northern twang had filled his ears and a girl clad in a sailor suite suddenly appeared. She'd turned her head in the direction of the voice a wide smile plastered across her fractured features. Without warning the strange Northern female had twatted her, smacking her hard across the side of her face with a powerful left hook. It had been enough to knock her out and she'd slipped off the taxi into the girl's waiting arms.

Bollo carried her home her split lip had been pouring blood, staining his dark fur.

They put her in Vince's bed, only then it wasn't Vince's bed it was hers; they put her in her bed.

And then nothing. None of them had the words to describe what had happened, so they simply didn't bother.

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The next morning she was up and about acting as if nothing much had happened, her swollen lip however had acted as a reminder.

After that there were no more drugs he couldn't stop her drinking but he could stop her from taking drugs. A little bit of weed with Naboo and Bollo was her limit. It was hard and she'd fought him all the way but eventually she'd given in surrendered her weaker will. But it was worth it without the constant chemical stimulation her medication actually started to have an effect, her moods became for the first time in her life something approaching stable.

And then there had been another party. But this one had been different he'd been in control this time he'd vetted the guest list even though he hadn't known half the people on it, and it had been in the flat where he could keep a proper eye on her. Naboo invited the board of Shaman to pad out the numbers. But it had only been on the insistence that they did whatever drugs they usually did before they came over, and if they were going do any drugs at the party they did them in Naboo's room. In the end the guest list hadn't really needed the padding out; her friends were spilling out of the tiny flat. For some inexplicable reason she'd decided to dress up as a cheer leader complete with black sparkly pom-poms, all of her friends had been blown away by her outfit.

It had been ages since his birthday. Ages since he'd seen Vince. That's all he could think about, when he'd been surrounded by so many people with the opportunity to move on with his life.

He'd gone up to the roof he'd wanted to be alone, but even up there what felt like the highest point on the whole planet he couldn't get any peace. He'd discovered her up there when he'd poked his head through the sky light; she'd been sitting there smoking a joint with one of the members of the board of Shaman.

'Alright Howard.' She'd giggled; the Shaman seated next to her had appeared startled at his sudden appearance.

'You having a good time?' In response to her questioned he'd flashed her a half hearted smile.

'Great.' He'd breathed through tightly gritted teeth. He hated parties, he hated the music, he hated the fact that he the only other person he had known except his sister and his flatmates was Lester, who'd had to go home at 9 on account of the fact that he'd only recently had his head sewn back onto his body apparently it made him lethargic.

'Oh Howard, this is Saboo.' She introduced the Shaman seated next to her, who simply nodded back at him Saboo was the first person never to ask if he was her Father.

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It didn't come as much of a surprise to him to see the Shaman Saboo seated on the sofa next to Bollo the morning after the party. He'd been wearing her fluffy pink dressing gown and eating cereal out of a bowl on his lap. The surprise had come the next morning when he'd woken up to find the Shaman Saboo seated at the kitchen table munching on a slice of toast. The Shaman suddenly became a fixture of the flat always there in the morning, always gone by mid-afternoon always back by early evening.

She changed as well, in all the time that he'd known her he'd never seen her like that before so relaxed.

He watched them not in a creepy 'I secretly want to have sex with my sister' way, he just watched them in the back of his mind always wondering as he did so if it would have been like that for him and Vince.

Mostly they went out his sister and the Saboo clubbing he guessed. Sometimes she wouldn't come home at all that's when he would worry, but mostly they came back together early in the mornings pissed off their tits and shagging away. She survived on a diet of little to no sleep, she always had. A couple of times when they'd gone out Naboo and Bollo had gone with them, that's when he'd known things might have been getting serious between them; when Saboo had willingly taking her out on a night out with the board of Shaman. She'd been wrecked for most of the day after only getting up to make herself another Resolve and be sick in the toilet.

The sick thing started to happen a lot, it made working in the shop difficult when half-way through a sale she'd have to dash upstairs before she threw up over the customer. He'd wondered if her anorexia was back, but she'd seemed to be eating more so he guessed that it wasn't; he'd hoped that it wasn't. He knew it was selfish but he couldn't go through all that again.

And then sometimes her and the Shaman wouldn't go out at all, they'd snuggle down on the sofa and watch _Colobus the crab _or _Pie face show case_. Saboo had always seemed familiar to him and one night, while he'd been absent-mindedly watching them a tangle of limbs it had clicked, he'd hit him with a handbag, he'd had bashed him really hard in the face he wondered how he'd forgotten that.

The nights were the worst especially if they didn't go out, they'd be at it all night they'd shag the clock round, well almost. Naboo never seemed to notice he just seemed to be permanently pissed off having Saboo hanging around the flat, and Bollo always seemed to have his DJ headphones strapped to his head. It only really bothered him. It bothered him for to reasons the first and most obvious was the fact that she was his sister and nobody, no sibling needs to hear that. And secondly because he was jealous, it should have been him and Vince enjoying the first flushes of 'coupledom' not her...it wasn't fair.

It didn't help also that most of the shagging that was taking place was in fact taking place in Vince's bed, on Vince's mattress! The very mattress that he and Vince had...he didn't want to think about it, it felt weird and in directly it sounded like incest; well it had to him anyway.

When he couldn't stand it any longer, he'd drag his duvet out of his room and go and sleep down stairs in the shop. Even then sometimes he could still hear them, it was unbearable.

Everything was unbearable.

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But then something had happened, which had made his life a little more bearable.

One afternoon when they'd been working in the shop she'd glanced up from the glossy flippant pages of _Cheekbone _and exclaimed simply.

'You know Howard, I think I kinda like Jazz.' For the first time in weeks he'd smiled, he'd been genuinely excited by the prospect of sharing something he enjoyed with someone he loved. He'd never done that before. By shear coincidence that night had been 'Jazz night' and he'd taking her with him over to Lester's house.

'That Charlie Mingings' not to bad.' He hadn't even bothered to correct her, he'd just revealed in the enjoyment that somebody finally liked what he liked.

'You know we could always start a band.' She'd exclaimed as they'd slowly made there way back from Lester's home. She'd been clinging onto his arm awkwardly shuffling chips into her mouth as she spoke.

'Yum chips in gravy.' She'd hummed, a little bit of her Leeds accent slipping out of her mouth mixing poorly with her round transatlantic vowels.

At the time he'd only been half listening to her, the thought of them starting a band had been whirling around inside his head. Maybe it was what he needed a chance to reclaim a slice of his life. No more Jazz/electro fusion it would just be Jazz pure Jazz, for once it would be about him what he wanted.

He'd struck while the iron was hot while he still had her attention, they rehearsed in his bedroom. Her voice, which had always been good had developed over time into something that was almost perfect for the medium of Jazz. She had a smoky brooding intensity, that was almost hypnotic. At first they played in the flat a private showcase for only Naboo, Bollo, Saboo and Lester surprisingly it had been a success; finally he'd been good at something.

They'd gotten braver, the next night Saboo had invited the board of Shaman to hear them play. Word seemed to spread like wild fire catching hold so fast that it seemed like no time at all had passed between the idea and the reality of the thing. Those days had been hectic, so hectic in fact that he'd forgotten to think about Vince.

The flat had suddenly been filled with people, trendy people some had been her friends but the rest neither of them had ever seen before; they'd all been there to hear them play to hear her sing. He'd started to write music it was something he'd never done before, and surprisingly he'd actually been quite talented. He'd moved a couple of people close to tears with his ballad to lost electro love.

Okay, so he still thought about Vince.

Most of the songs he wrote were dedicated and inspired by someone he hoped would never hear them.

Overnight they became something close to famous, giving interviews to magazines he'd never heard of. The magazines interviewed him, but they took pictures of her. It seemed right. He was the power house of ideas Vince was the front man, no no no that was wrong; **SHE** was the front woman she was the one they came to see. Not Vince, Vince had nothing to do with anything.

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And then they'd been sitting in Bob Fossil's office. She'd been fidgeting about next to him desperately fighting an attack of the giggles as they'd been forced to watch one of Fossil's dances.

'You remember this huh, Mooney!' He'd shirked, over the soundtrack _10cc_'s _Dreadlock holiday. _He did remember it, it was burned forever on his memory.

'And, that's why you should never bring a cricket bat to Greece.' Fossil had informed them matter-of-factly the music suddenly dying in the speakers. She'd nodded as if she understood perfectly, and then it had dawned on him that he'd been stuck in a small office with two people who were completely insane. He'd hoped at the time that the door hadn't been locked.

'Hey I remember you, weren't you the really sleepy human woman girl my baby Bainbridge had tied up under...'

'Look, Fossil why are we here?' He'd snapped at the retarded American, who'd blinked silently back at him for a few moments before continuing.

'Don't ever talk to me Moon or I'll, I'll. Sign these.' Before he'd had the chance to digest the gibberish flowing from Fossil's lips a piece of paper had been thrust in his face. After signing his soul away to the Spirit of Jazz he'd become more cautious always taking the time to read the small print. Her pen had been poised ready to sign away. His small eyes had bulged as he'd quickly scanned down the formal page. It had been a contract for a regular Wednesday night slot at the _Velvet onion._ Most surprising of all was the fact that there had been money involved Fossil was going to pay them, money had never once even been mentioned when him and Vince had played together. It had been a lot of money as well, enough for him to cut back on the shifts in the shop and actually pay Naboo some rent.

'Oh look at me I'm Howard Moon I need money to spend on hats and trumpets, what is it you want more? Here crunch on that credit!' Fossil had shrieked as he'd angrily torn the page out of his hand adding on an extra zero in Biro. He hadn't thought twice swallowing hard he'd signed his name as quickly as he could before Fossil had, had the chance to change his mind. She copied him, doodling smile faces in the o's of Moon.

_Everything had been leading to that moment when they'd been standing up on the Velvet onion's stage for the first time performing to a packed night club._


	9. Kill her first!

**I have been really lazy with this I haven't had a chance to look over it, and my BETA has selfishly gone on HOLIDAY...na I'm joking I hope u have a great time but I'm well jealous: D**

**So thanks 2 Radar ne way: D**

**Thanks also 2 BeckyRocks X and SisiDraig 4 still bothering 2 read n review this rubbish: D**

**Woop woop I'm going back 2 uni on thursday: D**

**Oh also I don't own this...no really I don't: )**

_**Enjoy: D**_

_Vince's lips had been soft._

_His kisses had been like just another extension of his personality, over enthusiastic and exuberant. Happy excited little moans had escaped from the back of Vince's throat._

When he found her she'd been surrounded by darkness hunched in a crumpled heap sobbing. Naboo had phoned him, he'd been out having a drink on his own. It had been the first time he'd ever been out on his own, and it had been the first time he'd been properly out in months. Vince had been gone months.

He'd been relaxing into his new surroundings, when the phone in his pocket had burst into life.

_'Howard, you better come home.' _

It had been building, for over three months something had been building inside her. At first he'd thought she was using again, but it wasn't that it was something much worse something much darker. Something he couldn't stop, she couldn't control and noone could protect her from.

He'd rushed back to the flat, when he'd arrived devastation had been waiting for him. She'd broken everything. The television had been smashed over the coffee table, the sofa had been overturned the pillows had been slashed hemoraging toxic foam. Glass had littered the floor.

He'd been confronted by three concerned faces Naboo, Bollo and Saboo.

'Where is she?' It was only thing he could think to say. He'd thought about apologising, but he could tell from the expression on Naboo's face the tiny Shaman wouldn't have wanted to hear it.

'Poor Mabel locked herself in Precious Vince's room.' Bollo had informed. Even after so many months had past they'd all still referred to it as Vince's room, she'd just slept there.

Saboo had been the first to try and coax her out. But his pleas had been met with a terrible silence. His mind ran back to that night he couldn't stop himself from replaying the events over and over again in his head, she could be dead. It only took minutes for someone to bleed to death, and she'd been so close the last time.

Eventually even Saboo had given up, Naboo and Bollo had never attempted. It was left to him.

It had been him she had wanted in the end. At the sound of his voice he'd heard the lock click and then her shuffling. He'd waited, he hadn't known what he had been waiting for. Maybe for the tension on their strings to explode back into life, maybe for her to scramble back into her position so that the dance could start up again.

'Howard, lets go away.' Had been her opening line.

She'd cut off her hair. Long bleached blonde strands of hair had lay scattered across the floor collecting around her feet. He'd managed to pull the kitchen scissors out of her twisted fingers without her noticing.

'This weekend maybe, where do you want to go?'

'No...no, no Howard let's go now! I want to go now, Howard please take me away!' She'd been clutching his hand tightly in her own, clinging on to him as if he'd been a rock in the middle of the ocean.

'Come on Mabel you know we can't do that, we've got a set to play tomorrow night. Listen I'll speak to Naboo see if he'll give us some time off from the shop, maybe a week. We can go away then, wherever you want.'

'I can't do this, I can't be like this!' She'd cried.

'I see the way you all look at me, I know what you all expect...but I can't I can't be him...I can't be him!' She'd lunged for the scissor, but he'd raised them up out of her reach.

'Noone expects you to do anything, noone expects you to be Vince.' In the gloom the swirling darkness of the room she'd fixed him with a stare, she didn't need to say anything for him to know what had been going on inside her fevered brain.

'I don't. You know I love you.' There silent conversation had been finished with words.

She'd been wrong how could she think that any of them thought she could replace Vince, Vince was irreplaceable.

But it hadn't just been about her inability to fill the gaping void Vince had left in their lives, there'd been something else something that she was holding back from him words she couldn't bring herself to say.

She'd been crying, but she was calmer. He'd searched for her medication.

'Here, this will make you feel better.' He'd offered her one of her pills, but she'd pushed his hand away turning her face to the wall. He'd thought about forcing her, but he'd quickly changed his mind. In the end he'd just held her.

_It had been like unwrapping the best Christmas present he had ever had. _

_Vince was exquisite. His skin had been so pale and so smooth it had felt like velvet under his finger tips. It seemed to shimmer as well, Vince's skin the glitter clinging to him._

_Vince had smelt wonderful as well. He'd buried his head against the smooth perfect porcelain of Vince's neck and breathed deep, inhaling every particle of his best friend's being. _

_He'd been fascinated by him. There wasn't an inch of Vince that night that he hadn't touched or kissed. He'd revelled in the way the younger smaller man had felt in his arms._

'She's schizophrenic.' Had been his simple answer to something that wasn't simple at all, that had never been simple. He'd explained the situation to Saboo, as he, the Shaman, Naboo and Bollo had cleaned up the devastation.

It was genetic, or at least it was for them. Their maternal Grandmother had been confined to an institution in her early thirties, it had been something noone in their family had ever talked about a dark, dark secret.

The hallucinations had begun when she'd been a young teenager, the amount of weed she smoked hadn't helped. Their parents couldn't deal with her, they couldn't stand the thought of their friends and neighbours knowing that their daughter had a mental illness. That's why they'd moved down to London in the first place, their Father had relocated to a new school in the suburbs.

He'd always thought that he might have been schizophrenic as well, but he'd never given a voice to those fears he'd just let them burn away inside of him. Hidden and secret.

The irony had always been that if he had been the one who had been ill it would have made things so much easier, she had always been the favourite he'd always been a freakish disappointment his parents could have simply pushed him away with her they'd had to try. And they had tried, they'd all tried. But in the end it was only him that she'd ever really wanted, because they were both mad.

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'Saboo you slag will you fucking sit down!' Tony Harrison, the Shaman who'd been shaped like a giant florescent pink scrotum shouted from the kitchenette. He'd only been half listening having a final mental practice, running through the music silently strumming the guitar in his hands. She'd fixed her hair. She'd spent most of the day at the hairdressers and the rest of it shopping. The events of the night before had been completely forgotten. Her friends, the people she called her 'best friends' had been helping her get ready in Vince's room. He'd been surprised to discover that one of them had been the girl who'd knocked her out when she'd been spiralling out of control clambering all over that taxi. That strange girl clad in another revealing sailor suit, had saved her life that night; he'd known deep down that she would have shot herself. The other girl was called Suki she'd announced that as soon as she'd set foot in the flat childishly giggling, straining under the weight of so many shopping bags. From the moment he'd laid eyes on her she'd reminded him of Vince, but then everything had reminded him of Vince. Suki had, had a thick West Country Somerset drawl. She talked to much, the older woman was always trying to shut her up or distract her. Suki had sat there that night babbling on to Tony Harrison the pink scrotum and Bollo about how she'd first met the older woman when she'd fallen out of a cider apple tree.

But he'd only been half listening.

When she finally emerged from Vince's bedroom she looked immaculate. Her hair had suited her shorter it had been choppy with a harsh blunt fringe, darker the bleached blonde had been washed away replaced by a darker hue.

She'd been angry, the rage had burned in her small dark eyes. She'd wanted to punish him, and the best way she'd always known to do that was by hurting herself. She had been immaculate when she'd emerged from Vince's bedroom, but she'd also been drunk and off her tits on god only knew what. She'd staggered into the kitchenette perching herself on Saboo's lap, never taking her eyes of him. He'd retaliated for the first time ever, by getting twice as drunk as her. Her mood had changed just before they left the flat, she'd grinned at him drunkenly wrapping her arms around his waist burying her head in the fabric of his chest.

'I'm sorry.' She'd whispered, nuzzling against the material of his muffin coloured roll neck.

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He'd been sick it had been a combination of two much alcohol and nerves.

The _Velvet onion _had been filled to maximum capacity. Bob Fossil had been buzzing around them excitedly. The head of _Pie Face records _Arthur Minty had introduced himself to them the moment they had stepped into the crowded club. He'd been unable to think, unable to focus everything had been swirling wildly around him all he could think was how spectacularly he was about to fail and in front of so many people. He'd needed Vince then, he'd needed his _Little man _to be there to support him to encourage him with his scathing quips.

He'd felt so alone as he'd stood on the stage tuning up, feeling the pressure of so many expectant eyes on the back of his head. He'd closed his eyes his whole body becoming numb, Fossil's annoying voice penetrated his senses as he'd introduced them. His breathing had caught in his chest the sound of his drumming heart had beat a strong rhythm in his ears.

And then his eyes had opened and he's started to play softly, tentatively at first his own fear almost getting the better of him. But her voice had joined his they mingled together in perfect harmony, it hadn't mattered that they were both drunk noone seemed to notice. She forgot an entire chorus making the words up as she went along, but it had worked the informality had suited their style.

He'd been concentrating or at least attempting to concentrate, when something had caught his eye a bright flash and then he'd seen him; he'd seen Vince.

Vince had been there seated at the bar, his heart had been in his mouth at the sight of him. He couldn't take his eyes from his friend, he'd been playing for Vince every note had been dedicated to him even though deep down he knew that it wasn't Vince. It had probably been that little creep Lance Dior or someone who'd just looked a little like Vince. But it hadn't been him, Vince hated Jazz he was allergic to the musical medium. And why would he have been there, the last time they had been in the same room Vince had made it perfectly clear that he hated him he couldn't wait to get away.

And then it was all over. There had been a pause he'd looked at her and she'd stared back at him nervously, but the silence didn't last long banished by a wave of rapturous clapping. The whole space seemed to erupt into loud claps, whistles and chants for 'MORE'.

It had been the second most happy moment of his entire life, the first having been. He'd frowned attempting to sweep all thoughts of Vince out of his head for good.

Saboo helped her down from the stage it had been a sweet moment, which had only served to remind him of the fact that he'd been completely alone. There was no one special person there waiting for him, and only him.

But like everything else his loneliness hadn't lasted he'd been bombarded by Fossil.

'Moon, get your pumpkin ass back on that stage!'

'My what?' He'd questioned his eyebrows suddenly rising up in surprise.

'I need the loo.' She stated excusing herself from his side, followed by her friends. He never understood that why girls always insisted on visiting the toilets at the same time, but then he didn't understand girls he hadn't really wanted to.

He'd glanced over his shoulder it had been a silent unconscious act, LanceDior/fakeVince or whoever it had been sitting at the bar watching him play was gone.

_Vince had bitten him._

_He'd bitten him really hard almost taking a chunk out of his shoulder. He'd yelped he couldn't help it, it had really hurt. Vince had fixed him with a look he'd never seen on his friend's face before, it had been indescribable it was still indescribable; a mixture of sheepishness, of raw undeniable lust and love. Love, he really had believed that Vince had loved him that night._

_Vince had bitten him again gently, as gently as it was possible to bite anyone. Claiming him with his incisors._

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She sat perched on the windowsill, it was cold her teeth chattered as she stared out at the sky above her head. It was early four or five o'clock in the morning birds had started singing, she could see people moving below her she felt the life of the city as it stirred.

She ran her hands through her short hair it had felt strange the choppy texture under her fingers, it had been years since her hair had been short years and years it felt wrong.

She took a long drag from what she knew would be her last cigarette. Today she'd get Howard to go out and get her some of those patches, it wouldn't take much convincing she'd make up some rubbish about smoking bans or wanting to preserve the quality of her voice; it was all rubbish anyway. It wasn't that she liked lying to Howard, it was just that it was easy and she couldn't help herself.

Stubbing what was left of her cigarette out on the wooden windowsill she flipped it away watching it flutter downwards the burning embers fading. She scrambled back inside closing the window behind her as she moved. She stood there for a few moments in the middle of the semi dark room breathing, just breathing. And then she did it she ran her hand down over her stomach, it was a silent acknowledgement. It sunk in, in a way that it hadn't done before she really was pregnant there really was a baby there growing away inside of her. Her, her who couldn't grow a plant or keep a goldfish alive for more than a week.

What had surprised her most apart from the actual fact that she had been pregnant, was the fact that she'd wanted it she'd wanted the baby she wanted to keep it so much she'd driven herself almost back over the edge. What scared her was Howard, what Howard would say. She knew he'd say she'd never be able to cope, that she'd get sick of Motherhood and end up dumping it somewhere, worst of all she knew Howard would say that it wasn't worth the risk that the baby might end up just like her that it would be cruel to force someone to live like that. Generally she had always done everything Howard had ever told her to do he had her unconditional trust from birth, but if he said those things to her she knew for once that she wouldn't blindly follow him she wouldn't let anyone take this away from her.

There was movement in the gloom as Saboo coughed and rolled over in her bed. She grinned the thoughts falling quickly out of her head as she moved across the room slipping under the warm duvet. She watched him for a few moments before succumbing to her own boredom placing one of her freezing feet on Saboo's leg.

'Owww...What!' Saboo gasped his eyes suddenly flying open from the contact with her freezing touch. He choked back his sleep, blinking at her mutely in the darkness.

'Get off, you're freezing!' He complained, his nasal sounding voice cracking under the weight of his tiredness. She giggled rolling into him wrapping her arm limply around his waist planting a kiss on his cheek.

'You gonna warm me up then?'

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They'd been late.

He'd planned everything down to the smallest detail, he'd packed his suitcase his single suitcase a whole week in advance. That morning however everything had erupted into chaos and it was all her fault. She'd overslept, spent ages in the bathroom, spent forever getting ready and she hadn't packed. In the end he'd just slung everything she owned in the back of the van, her and Bollo had sorted through it as they'd travelled.

_'Relax yeah Howard, you're in the prime demographic for heart attacks.' _Naboo had helpfully informed him.

_'Old and fat.' _Saboo had added in his mater-of-factly manner making it hard for him to tell if the Shaman had been serious or was terrible with humour.

_'Hey! Howard's not old!' _She'd jumped in defending him, cuffing Saboo over the back of his head.

_'Look, look will you all just...'_

_'Ow, what was that for? He is old look at him he's got crows feet.' _Saboo and everyone else had ignored him, he'd been forced to sit there staring at forever red traffic lights listening to them bicker about how old he looked.

_'Harold need Botox.' _Bollo had piped up.

For once he'd been glad Vince wasn't still hanging around, his friend would have gotten way to much enjoyment out of discussing how decrepid he looked.

_'I don't think there's a large enough supply, look at that frown line alone! It's like a giant crater in the centre of his head!'_ Saboo had pointed at him, he'd bitten his tongue and just keep driving unable to stifle his smirk when she'd hit the Shaman again.

When they'd finally reached their destination and her bags had finally been packed, she'd made them even later with her sloppy good-byes with Saboo. It wasn't even as if she'd never see him again, he and Naboo had been joining them in Paris after the meeting with the board of Shaman. Eventually Bollo had grabbed her and pulled her onto the waiting _Euro star_.

Noone seemed to notice the ape seated with them. Lester still couldn't travel so Bollo had been filling in for him as their drummer. He'd watched them his eyes hovering over his English to French dictionary, as the girl and the gorilla had played game after game of snap.

'You don't need that.' She'd informed nodding in the direction of his book.

'Someone has to speak French on this journey we can't just point at things. Anyway I'm brushing up.' She'd rolled her eyes and snorted at his statement.

'Howard. Je suis votre soeur, arrête prending je sais que vous avez raté votre GSCE français.' She'd giggled at him the perfect French flowing out of her mouth as if she'd been a native.

'SNAP!'

And then they'd been in Paris.

It had been mid-afternoon by the time they'd finally reached their destination, there'd been no time to do anything. Bollo had gone with the bags ahead of them to their hotel, while they'd gone to the head office of _Pie Face _records in Europe.

'De quelle longueur avez-vous été ensemble?'

'Ensemble ? Oh seulement deux ou trois mois. Mais Howard était dans une bande auparavant, le boosh.' His eyes had darted backwards and forwards as he'd watched his sister carry on a conversation with the record producer.

'Le boosh, je n'ai jamais entendu d'eux. Est-ce que c'était un Jazz-band ?'

'Non,' She'd giggled nervously at one point.

'Fusion de Jazz d'Electro.' The stout balding producer had leaned over his desk squinting behind his glasses, he'd shifted awkwardly under the strange probing gaze.

'Excusez-moi, mais parleriez-vous dans l'anglais, s'il vous plaît? Seulement Howard ne peut pas vous comprendre, raté GCSE français... DEUX FOIS!' He'd fidgeted nervously in his seat feeling more and more left out of the situation.

'Je suis désolé mais mon anglais est très pauvre. Tenez pendant que je...' The stout record producer picked up the phone in front of him mumbling something incomprehensible to the beehive wearing secretary they'd passed in the lobby.

_'Amy est Jack dans le bâtiment ?Dites-lui de venir à mon bureau.'_

The door of the office suddenly opened a younger man stepped in. After Vince he'd never expected to have his breath taken away by anyone ever again, but the younger man had managed to steal all the oxygen from his lungs just by glancing in his direction.

'Jack. Êtes-vous occupés ? Je veux que vous traduisiez pour cet homme.'

'Parfait.' The younger man had chuckled flashing him a perfect smile. He hadn't been beautiful like Vince, he wasn't traditionally handsome either but he had been sexy. Tall and thin with messy dark hair, his nose had been a little to big but his wide green eyes had easily made up for it.

It had hit him then that he'd in fact been Gay, really Gay and it had nothing to do with Vince; well hardly anything to do with Vince. His whole life seemed to slot suddenly into place in front of him, his relations with the opposite sex not that he'd ever really had any had always felt so hollow and so strained. The Mrs Gideon thing for instance, he hadn't liked her half as much as he'd claimed to he'd really just been pretending without knowing it to fancy her. Going through the motions because he'd been to afraid to do anything else.

'Jack Neon, I'm here to translate for you.' He was snapped out of his life defining revelation by a warm hand slipping into his grasp. It took him a few moments to register up until that point he must have just been holding the younger man's hand.

'Oh ah Howard Moon, and this is my sister Mabel.'

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**Okay so soz 4 the long and boring chapter: D**

**There aren't may more after this: D**

**N e way thought I'd better but the English translations of the rambling French stuff here. My French is really, really bad which is weird because my boyfriend is actually French...lol...ne way enough about me: D**

'Howard. Je suis votre soeur, arrête prending je sais que vous avez raté votre GSCE français.'- ' '**Howard. I am your sister, stop pretending I know that you failed your French GSCE. '**

'De quelle longueur avez-vous été ensemble?'**- How long have you been together?**

'Ensemble ? Oh seulement deux ou trois mois. Mais Howard était dans une bande auparavant, le boosh.'- **' Together? Oh only two or three months. But Howard was in a band before, the boosh. '**

Le boosh, je n'ai jamais entendu d'eux. Est-ce que c'était un Jazz-band ?- **The boosh, I have never heard them. Was it a Jazz band?**

'Fusion de Jazz d'Electro.'- **' Fusion of Jazz of Electro.'**

Excusez-moi, mais parleriez-vous dans l'anglais, s'il vous plaît ?- **Excuse me, but would you speak in English, please?**

'Je suis désolé mais mon anglais est très pauvre. Tenez pendant que je...'- **' I am sorry but my English is very poor. Hold while I... '**

'Amy est Jack dans le bâtiment ?Dites-lui de venir à mon bureau.'- **Amy is Jack still in the building? Tell him to come to my office.**

'Jack. Êtes-vous occupés ? Je veux que vous traduisiez pour cet homme.'- **Jack. Are you busy? I want you to translate for this man.**


	10. The bubbles will burst

**Okay firstly thanks 2 my BETA Radar, I hope ur having a good holiday u lucky cow lol...: D**

**And thanks also 2 everyone who reviewed and read this rubbish lol...**

**So thanks 2 SisiDraig, xXxBooshLoverxXx, chugirl2526, and BeckyRocks-x 4 their amazing reviews: D**

**Okay so I don't own this, not even secretly: D**

**Oh and yes I know Vodka Penguin is a really stupid name but it is the name of my boyfriend's comedy group, which I am in: ) We have a regular gig in the comedy cavern Bath, and Sunday nites up the SU...woop woop : )**

**Ohhh I'm officially back at UNI third year scary pants: D**

**Enjoy: D**

Weeks quickly trickled into months and before they'd known it they'd recorded an album. An album a real album it was something that he'd only dared to dream of, but it had become a reality. When he _Googled_ himself, which he hardly ever did; the words following his name no longer read...

_Howard Moon- Leading British Cream poet, adult Jazz porn star, former male prostitute who will bum you silly for 1 euro._

Instead it now read _Howard Moon- One half of the successful brother sister Jazz combo Vodka Penguin. _

Vodka Penguin God that was a stupid name a name, which she had come up with.

_'You like Penguins, right Howard? And I love vodka.'_

But what could he do he hadn't had a choice, as she'd correctly informed him he played all the music, wrote all their songs wouldn't let her style him all she brought to the table was her looks and her voice she'd had him over the proverbial barrel when it came to naming their band.

Anyway for the fist time ever they were both really, really happy Paris was both good to them and for them. He'd started to forget about the shop, forget about his old life it all began to slip away from him fading like a dream. He was losing Vince as well, the things that had once been burned on his memory about his best friend slowly started to seep out of him. He'd started to get confused about events, what had happened in what order and when. It had all started to blend together and then been forgotten.

'You know you're not coming tonight?' He nervously asked her as she appeared in the living room of his hotel suite.

'Yeah, yeah I know.' She shrugged back clambering over the cream sofa spreading herself over the crumpled cushions, clutching her hand to her head dramatically. He can't control himself he chuckles at her like an adoring indulgent parent, he loves her most when she's like that.

'Naboo's smuggling Bollo over later we're gonna watch the box set of _Peacock dreams. _I still can't believe Bollo can't stay in the hotel, I mean what's their fucking problem?'

'I think their fucking problem is the fact that's he's an ape.'

'I bet they never did that to Bubbles, fucking racists.' She complained, sitting up a large tub of _Rollo _flavoured ice cream appearing on her lap.

'Don't you think, you know you better give that stuff a rest tonight.' He directed his question in the direction of the ice cream tub. Not in a million years had he ever thought he'd been telling her to watch her calories she'd always been unhealthily thin borderline Anorexic, if not an actual Anorexic. But she had started putting on weight and she seemed to be eating all the time, and not just eating but eating the weirdest stuff like bacon with white chocolate melted over it. It turned his stomach.

'What, no-way!' She cried indignantly clutching the tub protectively to her chest.

'You should you know, you're starting to pork out a bit.' She was upside down now the blood rushing to her head her still skinny legs hanging limply over the back of the sofa.

'I know.' She giggled, resting her hand on her stomach.

'So where's Monsieur Neon taking you tonight?' His face contorted with frustration as he attempted to actually tie-up the tie he was wearing.

'Jack's not taking me anywhere, this is just a business thing.' He defended himself a little to seriously, what had he been defending? He was single, he'd always been single. And Jack was single, well since he'd split from his fiancée. But he still couldn't shake the feeling that he was betraying Vince, spending time with someone else.

'Oh so you wont mind me coming then, since it's you know a business thing.' She teased, he hoped she was teasing.

'Come here,' She changes the subject he can tell she's getting bored of watching him failing to dress himself.

'Girls do this better.' She informed in a mater-of-fact tone of voice kneeling up straightening his tie, knotting the fabric perfectly the first time. Her hands are idle for a few moments and they just stared at each other, he can tell by the way she looks at him that there is something on the tip of her tongue something that's been there for weeks, something which she couldn't bring herself to say.

'You need someone to look after you, Howard.' She breathed, pulling away backing out of the moment. The look in her eyes was gone, her courage had failed her.

He slipped out of her grasp pulling on his rumpled jacket.

'You look cute,' She stated grinning from ear to ear.

'But you'd look cuter if you ironed that thing, you know there's a laundry service here. Think about it a maid would actually be ironing your clothes, how amazing would that be I get mine done.'

'I don't look 'cute', Mabel Moon I'm a man of action. Men of action do not look 'cute' they look rugged and well, _manly_.' He confirmed puffing out his chest a little with the last line.

'You're ridiculously deluded, Howard.' She sighed rolling her eyes as she spoke. Grabbing her around her slender neck he planted a rough 'good-bye' kiss on her forehead.

'No trouble.' He warned, before leaving.

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And then she was on her own with nothing to do. The room had suddenly felt at least twice it's actual size. She glanced down at her watch knowing that Naboo and Bollo would still be en route crossing the Channel. Her eyes shifted falling on the phone, which sat on the coffee table in front of her. She thought about calling Saboo but he was busy doing something with Tony Harrison and Kirk, she knew his phone would be switched off; he always annoyingly switched it off when he was with them. She mentally scrolled through the contact list in her head. Before eventually deciding she didn't really feel like speaking to anyone.

What she felt was hungry.

Picking up the hotel phone she jabbed in the numbers calling down to room service.

'Je veux ordonner une pizza.' It was pizza she wanted, right? Well what she really wanted was one of those pizzas that had the _Heinz_ hula hoop base, she tried it once when she'd been about twelve she'd hated it but now she'd become obsessed with it; she even dreamed about it...well that and Colin Farrell. _Both together._

It didn't take her long to order what she wanted, which turned out to be a banana, black olive and anchovies combination topping. Usually she hated bananas they smelt funny, tasted like mush and just looked really wrong but now she couldn't get enough of them she wanted them on everything. Thankfully she still couldn't stand potatoes though, chips on the other hand were still okay as long as they were deep fried and really crispy.

There was a knock at the door and she gleefully jumped off the sofa, still running through the list of food she would and would not eat as she swung open the door.

There was nothing. She blinked for a few moments glancing down the empty corridor. And then she saw it out of the corner of her eye just as she was turning to go back into the room. A small black business card. She bent down picking it up, turning it over in her hand reading the name embossed in red on the back of the card.

'I'm Old Gregggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.'

And then there'd been nothing, except blackness mixing with the distant sound of screaming.

Her own screaming.

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(Flashback 1)

_'We're the super magic men, we stay up till 5 am. Although we're bound by Shaman law, what goes on tour stays on tour!'_

_'Calm it down Harrison, Ladies present.' Dennis the head Shaman had barked from the front of the carpet._

_'Dennis you dinlow, that ain't a lady that's Saboo's fucking 'Misses'!' Tony Harrison had shirked back as some kind of defence._

_'Alright love.' The pink many tentacled ball-bag shaped head had asked her as she had climbed onto the carpet._

_'Leave it out Harrison.' Bollo had warned in response to the sly wink Tony Harrison had flashed her. She couldn't help but giggle, which seemed to only encourage his behaviour. _

_'Come and sit over here with me.' Kirk, the small child-like Shaman had propositioned her patting the empty space next to him._

_'I wouldn't if I was you.' Naboo had cautioned her in his laid back manner. _

_'Back off, she's sitting with me!' Saboo had piped up. She liked it when he got all possessive and protective over her._

_She had been just about to seat down when Dennis had called out from the front of the flying carpet. _

_'Nonsense Saboo, if the young lady is sitting anywhere it will be at the front next to me.' So then she'd been forced to sit at the front next to the head Shaman._

_'Can you read a map?' Dennis had asked her._

_'What happened to you're internal Tom-tom?' Saboo had muttered under his breath, she could tell he'd been seething. She liked Saboo being jealous, it meant he cared._

(Flashback 2)

_Her vision had been swimming, she couldn't focus she couldn't think straight everything seemed to be swirling around her. She'd felt sick. Her heart had been beating so fast, the sound of the drumming in her ears had only served to make her feel sicker._

_It had been red, red surrounded her...not blood. The smell of exhaust fumes had almost choked her. And then laying there trapped somewhere between the most vivid dream she had ever had and blistering reality, lost in her own limbo she had realised that she was in the boot of a car._

_Slowly her senses had started to come back, which had only made it worse because she couldn't move. She'd been paralysed. The fear had been thick in her throat._

_Howard...Howard would save her! Howard would come..._

_But what if he didn't, what if he couldn't find her?_

_She'd closed her eyes and tried to think, what would Howard do?_

_She didn't want to die, she wasn't ready..._

_And then there'd been light and voices, voices she recognized. _

_'Where did she find it?'_

_'Blue blanket, blue baby blue blanket boy...ahhh!'_

_'Listen to me Fossil you idiot, where did Howard Moon's little filly find this!' She rolled her eyes her fear fading fast, she knew she wasn't going to die._

_'Ahhh...near the jungle room my Bainbridge!'_

_'Tommy, so he's still alive then.'_

_She knew she shouldn't have drunk that drink Bob Fossil had offered her in his office. For a start it had been green, bright lime green and she'd only asked for a tea. It had tasted really funny, she'd understood why now. She should have just kept that stupid necklace she'd found, she'd had a dress it would have gone really well with; black strapless._

_'What?'_

_'What, nothing you inbred moron!'_

_And then it had been silent for a few moments and she could tell that Bainbridge was working out a way of getting rid of Fossil, she could hear the thin gold chain rattling in his hand._

_'What are we going to do with her, Bainbridge?' If she could have she would have burst out laughing, she'd known exactly what Bainbridge was going to do to her. Still at least she hadn't had to pretend to enjoy it._

_'Nothing Fossil leave her with me, I'll take care of her.'_

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'So, what do you think?' The question reverberated around his head, mixing with the two bottles of wine he'd consumed at dinner.

'Howard, Howard?' A hand waved in front of his face snapping him helpfully back into sober reality.

'Umm...I'm not sure, I don't know what to say.' The glass in hanging limply in his hand was quickly refilled.

'Are you trying to get me drunk?' He asked frowning in his tipsy haze.

'Yes.' Jack answered simply, crossing the room taking up the empty space on the large sofa next to him. He was taken aback by the other man's blunt honesty. He chuckled as the space closed tantalisingly between them.

'Don't say anything, there's nothing to say the slot is yours.' He coughed for no reason struggling to clear his throat, focus his addled thoughts. Jack leaned forward fetching his own glass of the polished hardwood table in front of them. He'd been blown away by Jack's flat. It looked like it belonged sandwiched between the glossy pages of some lifestyle magazine, all polished hardwood floors and quirky modern art. He'd never been in a place like that before, he felt shabby in comparison.

'Are you sure you don't want a band with a you know, higher profile?' As soon as he'd finished speaking he took a large gulp from his wine glass, swallowing hard trying to steady his nerves.

'Howard that's what _Pie Face Show case_ is all about, highlighting new talent. You had a spot on there once before, didn't you?' _Vince._ Somehow it always came back to Vince, everything came back to Vince.

'Yyess, but that was...that was along time ago. And it was different this is opening the show, this is... ' He gulped. '...serious.'

'You're a very talented man Howard Moon, and you're sister has a very beautiful voice.' He shifted awkwardly against the sofa cushions as Jack brushed his fingers across his hand. It felt different being touched by Jack from the way it had felt when he'd been touched by Vince, it was still exciting but it wasn't electric. It didn't send shock waves through his whole body. It didn't make his feel like he would die at any moment if he didn't touch Jack again, he didn't feel like that. The thrill was there, but the rawness was missing.

'It wont be to long until you'll be leaving us.' Jack mumbled a despondent note filling his voice.

'Leaving you?'

'Well yes, I assumed you'd be going back to London once all the post production on your album is completed.' It was the first time he'd ever thought about going back, back to London, back to Dalston, back to the shop, back to the flat...back to...

He must have sighed because the next thing he new Jack's hand was on his face.

'Cheer up mon ami.' He wanted to he desperately wanted to 'cheer up' but he couldn't, the thought of going back to nothing depressed him. Because that's what he had in his so called 'home' nothing. He was sick and tired of waiting for Vince to come to his senses and fall as deep in love with him, as he was with Vince.

He was so lost in his own thoughts that he hadn't registered that Jack was kissing him. He pulled away, blushing furiously.

'I'm sorry!' They both exclaimed in unison. The tension suddenly broke between them and they both chuckled, embarrassingly.

'It's late, I can walk you back to the hotel if you like?' Had that been a observation or an invitation. He had never been brave, and he had never been spontaneous. But something inside of him seemed to snap, screaming over and over again in his head; _Howard Moon you're 32 years old, life is to short and you're not getting any younger just go for it!_

So he did...

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Kissing Jack, like touching him was a completely different experience to how it had been with Vince. It was hard to describe because different didn't always mean bad, it just meant that it was different. For instance when Vince had kissed him it hadn't just been kissing it had been kissing that was going somewhere, Vince wouldn't have been prepared to stop in the same way Jack was.

And it had just been kissing, he still wasn't ready for anything more. If Jack had been disappointed he certainly hadn't let on.

They'd walked back to his hotel hand in hand laughing and talking, and kissing. He felt light for the first time in his life, and it had nothing to do with how drunk he was.

'I'll see you later?'

'Yes you certainly will, Sir.' He was surprised by how much will power he actually had, maybe he should go on that diet.

He caught Jack before he had the chance to leave him grabbing him by the fabric of his jacket he pulled him into another kiss, long and drawn out filled with pent up passion.

And then Jack had finally gone, and he had found himself struggling to use the key card system for his room.

'Harold!' The door swung open and he was suddenly and roughly dragged into his room. He sobered up quickly when confronted by a trio of worried expressions.

'Is Mabel with you?' Naboo inquired, glancing behind him gazing at the hotel door.

He started to feel sick.

'No, no she isn't the last time I saw her was here. She was waiting for you and Bollo.' Saboo launched himself from the sofa he'd been nervously perched on the edge of, stomping back and forth across the room muttering to himself.

'Why, what's going on?'

'Show him, Naboo!' Saboo demanded desperately, interrupting Naboo before he had a chance to speak.

'I found this.' Sheepishly Naboo handed him a small black calling card.

'Tony Harrison and Kirk are already out looking for her.' The tiny Shaman informed attempting to assure him.

It took him a few moments for the name on the back of the card to register and for the full horror of the situation to hit home.

'This can't be happening.'


	11. Topshop Brownie

**Okay 4get grammar n spelling I'm doing tons of essays n stuff so that's all fallen out of the window lol...: D**

**Also thanks loads 2 xXxBooshLoverxXx, chugirl 2526, and SisiDraig 4 continuing to read and review the rubbish I spew out...lol...: D Thanxs xxx**

**I don't own this or Topshop: D**

_'Howard, Howard can you hear me?'_

_'I think he's waking up, look!' It was her voice, he could hear her through the heavy blanket of darkness which enveloped him._

_'I don't think he is.' Naboo's reply sounded hollow._

_'No, no he is look...he is...he has to...' And then there was the sound of crying. She burst into tears, but it wasn't just her, was Naboo crying as well?_

_Was he dying?_

_Lost in the darkness he desperately tried to think, how had he ended up wherever he had ended up? What was the last thing he could remember? He didn't know he couldn't remember it._

_'Please Howard, please wake up.' She begged, and he tried he really tried but his body stubbornly refused to obey his commands._

_**Come back to me, Howard...**_

_Vince. Was that Vince he was sure it was him, he was sure he could hear his voice. If Vince was there it meant that everything would be okay, eventually. He knew Vince would protect him, he knew Vince would save him._

_'Vince.'_

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Her eyes slowly fluttered open, her head was spinning.

'I'm Old Gregg.' A strange voice informed, the way it had done back at the hotel before there'd been that light. That light, which had been so bright and so...

'I'm Old Gregg.' The voice repeated cut off by the sound of a splash.

Slowly she began to regain her senses, she glanced around realising that she wasn't in the hotel any more. Instead she found herself laying on the rough slippery floor of what looked like a sea cave, she was handcuffed.

'Hello!' She called out her teeth chattering as she spoke, she was freezing.

A figure appeared in front of her, forcing a surprised scream from her lips. The creature recoiled in terror, as her scream echoed around the cave system.

'I'm sorry,' She apologised quickly, seeing that it was just as afraid of her as she was of it.

'...I didn't mean to scare you.' Somewhere from deep down inside of her she started to recall that one day of training she'd had at the Zoo.

'What, what was your name again?' She questioned forcing a thin smile across her face as she stared at the thing crouching in front of her.

'I'm Old Gregg.'

Inexplicable she found herself giggling, she couldn't stop herself the hysteria bubbled up.

'Don't, don't laugh.' Old Gregg warned. She chewed on the chapped skin of her bottom lip nodding in response.

'I'm sorry it's just that's kind of a weird name, I mean you don't even look that old.' Old Gregg blushed his green cheeks flushing a light shade of scarlet, a faint smile creeping into the corners of his mouth.

'Old Gregg moisturises.' Old Gregg responded mater-of-factly. 'Old Gregg is making himself look nice for Howard, when he comes.' The scaly sea creature sprung back up onto his feet, patting the ends of his sea weed hair.

'I made a crumble for Howard. I've got all nice things for him. He wont run away this time, I'll make him happy.' Loneliness seemed to emanate from Old Gregg, she knew what that was like to have nothing and noone. That's why she felt sorry for him she couldn't help herself even though he'd kidnapped her, she pitied him.

'I did a water colour for him, look.' She was snapped back into reality a badly drawn picture thrust in her face, she squinted.

'It's good.' She enthused.

'Don't, don't look at it!' Frowning his mood suddenly changed, as he tore the painted page away from her eyes.

'Hate you.' Old Gregg mumbled under his breath shooting her a dark look, her pity evaporated.

'You stole Howard away! Old Gregg saw you, you took Howard away!'

'When! No, that wasn't me...that was,' Her voice died in her throat.

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_He woke up. It had felt like he had woken up, even through he'd still be surrounded by thick choking darkness._

_'He was asking for Vince, Naboo you have to do something.' Her voice was back, she was still fighting for him defending him._

_'It's against the Shaman code.' Saboo's voice drifted into his ears, he found the nasal quality even more annoying especially now that he was trapped._

_'The Shaman code...I don't give a fuck about your Shaman code! You don't even give a fuck about your precious Shaman code you're always bending the rules, both of you!'_

_'Mabel.' _

_'Get off me! Don't touch me!' She cried sounding horse, he could tell she was on the brink of crying._

_'Please, please Naboo I know you know where Vince is...please...' She faltered tripping over her words as she broke down, sobbing._

_'...Howard needs him. If Vince was here I know he'd wake up.'_

_'I can't.' Naboo exhaled, his voice so faint that he almost couldn't hear him._

_'Saboo?' There was no response._

_'Get out!'_

_'Mabel.' _

_'Get out both of you! Just leave us alone!'_

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'Old Gregg was waiting for Howard, was going to give Howard the night of his life I saw you.' Old Gregg's green scaly face fell as he recanted the tale slumping down on a nearby rock, his form crumpling. She opened her mouth to speak, but before any words had the chance to escape her chattering lips the whole cave seemed to shake; the stones trembling underneath her.

'What the hell was that?' She questioned when the shaking finally subsided.

'This cave is old. If Howard doesn't marry me, then we'll all die here together.'

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_Something touched him, a hand he thought. It reached through the darkness, sending rippling shock waves of electric through his body. He felt like he was on fire, everything seemed to spark and tingle._

_'Go away, Saboo.' And then the touch was gone._

_Everything suddenly began to fade, he was terrified. The bleeping of the machines, the sound of her crying it all slipped away. He wanted to scream, he wanted to cry out but he was trapped deep inside himself._

_And then his vision had cleared and he'd seen him, he could see Vince. The nothingness was gone replaced by the familiar surroundings of the flat, their flat he realised how much he missed it._

_'This is genius!' Vince dashed across the floor swinging his case behind him._

_'Look Howard it's got a fireplace, and it's pink!' He saw himself, his outline hovering sheepishly on the stairs. It was a strange thing seeing yourself the way other people saw you, he looked like an idiot. Vince was dancing around, the flat seemed bigger the only furniture was the sofa and the bar shaped like a boat, which was squashed in the corner. He remembered now the event that is unfolding in front of him, it was the first time they'd seen the flat. Vince had fallen in love with it on first inspection, he on the other hand had seen it for what it was, a dump. But now with hindsight he could see he'd been wrong, the flat wasn't a dump it had been the best place in the whole world, they'd been so happy there it was like heaven. _

_'Oi Howard look at this! It's a boat that's a bar!' _

_'No Vince, that's a bar in the shape of a boat. That thing would never float, look half of it is missing.' God he was annoying, so superior. He could see now why Vince had changed, because he had changed they both had. And he could see where the seeds of that change had begun to take root, it was him. _

_'Yea, but it's still genius!' Vince chuckled back defending his first reaction._

_'Bollo, stick that in the loft with the Christmas tree.' Naboo appeared, handing Bollo what had looked at the time to be a miniature toy submarine. _

_'Alright Naboo, how long you had this place then and why ain't you told us about it before?' _

_Naboo answered and they both laughed, but he wasn't listening he couldn't stop looking at them BOTH of them. He'd forgotten how happy they'd been, it all felt like a dream something that he'd only wished had happened._

_He reached out brushing his hand across the side of Vince's soft pale cheek, he felt him Vince felt real so real. He closed his eyes swallowing hard letting the sensation coarse through him, he only ever felt alive when he was with Vince. When he opened his eyes again Vince was staring at him. He staggered backwards taken by surprise, he glanced at Naboo and his former self they were both frozen mid sentence._

_'Vince.' He breathed, the air catching in his throat as his best friend moved towards him._

_'Sssuh, Howard.' Vince soothed, there heads were inches apart he could feel Vince's warm breath on his face._

_He thought Vince was going to kiss him but at the last moment the younger man leaned forward his mouth hot against his ear._

_'Wake up you jazzy spanner.'_

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_'Mabel.' The tea she cradled in her hands was so hot it burned through the plastic cup scorching her fingers. It was times like this when she wished she hadn't stopped smoking, she would have killed for a cigarette she was wearing two nicotine patches. Her head was aching, she'd been crying so much her face was scarlet and blotchy. It was all her fault, if Howard died it would be because of her, because..._

_'Mabel.' Her whole body tensed with the sound of his voice, she held her breath waiting; she wasn't sure what she was waiting for._

_'Mabel.'_

_'Go away.' Her voice cracked, she didn't want it to she tried to fight the emotion that built up inside her._

_'I'm sorry, look listen to me I'm worried about you.' Saboo ignored her, he always ignored her that annoyed her he thought because he had so much life experience so many centuries under his belt that he knew better than her; that he could tell her what to do. It had never annoyed her before, but it really pissed her off now._

_'Oh, just piss off will you!' She scowled, shooting him dark looks from underneath her blunt cut fringe. Stubbornly Saboo didn't move or speak he just stood there staring at her, trying to get to her trying to grind her down. They all tried to grind her down. _

_'I fucking hate you!' She snapped, they both knew she didn't really mean it._

_'I know.' A sly smiled slipped over his features sensing his victory. He grabbed her catching her by her dagger like elbows pulling her forward._

_'You're a tosser, a toss-bagging waste of space.' She didn't even bother to struggle, the gap closing between them._

_'Yeah I am.' His smile grew wider._

_'And you're ugly, really fucking hideous you make me feel physically sick.' She was running out of insults, there was nothing left to do but let him kiss her. She lost herself in Saboo's kisses, the worry slowly seemed to slip out of her it was nice not to worry._

_'That was crap.' She whispered softly when they finally parted, her arms tangled around his waist._

_'Some people aren't any good at kissing, but don't worry I can teach with practice you'll get better.'_

_'You shit!' She snarled, nuzzling her forehead against the side of his rough cheek._

_'I've done something...'_

_'Poor Mabel!' Bollo appeared, at the sight of the ape she jumped suddenly out of Saboo's arms. Bollo grunted in the Shaman's direction._

_'Harold waking up!'_

_'Howard!' She dropped the tea cup she'd been clingy onto the contents spilling, she ran as fast as she could followed by Bollo and Saboo. She dashed into the hospital room starting Naboo and Jack who were both seated by the bed._

_'Howard, oh Howard!' She gushed flinging herself over her brother, her hands clutching tightly to his chest._

_'I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.' She repeated over and over again, almost crushing what life remained in him back out again._

_'Mabel, I don't think Howard can breath.' Jack informed. She shrank back realising him suddenly, taking up the space on the chair Naboo had been seated on, the tiny Shaman ducking out of the room with Saboo._

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_'Have you ever been to Tijuana?' _Her voice rang out, mixing with the sound of his own heavy breathing.

_'Well, there are only so many poker games you can be won in. What I'm trying to say, is that maybe it's time you just you know gave up on Howard.'_ He rolled his eyes there were a lot of things about his sister that he just didn't need or want to know. The conversational tone in her voice was at serious odds with the action taking place around them.

_'Me and Howard are going to be married. I got a wedding dress.'_ Old Gregg interrupted. It was ironic the whole situation, all he'd ever wanted was someone to love him and there he was pushing someone who did love him away. It didn't really matter that the love Old Gregg felt for him was deranged and twisted, he still felt something for him.

But it wasn't love that he longed for, he realised that as he inched closer to the pair his ears ringing his breath stuck fast in his chest. In wasn't love, it was Vince he still longed for Vince to love him with every fibre of his being. The need, the need for his best friend still coursed through him like blood. It felt as vital as blood.

He remembered his kiss with Jack, it had been nice it had been more than nice to have his affection reciprocated; but he wonder if it was enough. He'd known Jack for months, they got on he made him laugh, Jack was attractive and he really did fancy him; but was it enough?

She saw him first, she tried to keep the surprise from her eyes but she failed. Seeing the change in her expression Old Gregg turned, greeting him with a wide smile.

'Howard.'

Confronted by the psychotic sea monster his mind suddenly went blank, he forgot the plan Tony Harrison had worked out for the rescue. He just stood there, blinking.

'Howard.' From the corner of his eye he caught sight of a shape, it darted out from behind him passing Old Gregg without him noticing suddenly stopping next to her; the shape was that of a bat. And then he remembered it all came back to him in a flash. He was there to distract Old Gregg, while Saboo in the form of a bat flew in and dealt with his sister.

'It's been along time, Gregg.' He frowned, stumbling over his words.

'I made you a crumble Howard.' He was only half listening focusing on the action taking place behind him. Saboo was now back to his original, or at least what he guessed was his original human form; busily trying to untangle her from the handcuffs that dangled around her skinny wrists.

'That's ah, that's very...nice.' He stalled from time. Beads of sweat formed on his forehead, rolling down over his features. His mind ran back to Vince they way it always did, he knew his friend would have handled this a lot better; he certainly wouldn't have been as afraid as he was.

'Owww! Watch it!' The sound of her painful cry suddenly rocketed him back into reality.

A loose 'Oh' escaped her lips.

Old Gregg had turned he was looking at her, looking at their rubbish rescue attempt. He struggled he didn't know what to do, the whole of time suddenly stopped frozen in the moment.

And then it came to him, like a sudden bolt of lightening hitting him from out of the blue.

He held his breath reaching out grabbing Old Gregg by the scaly slippery repulsive skin of his upper arm, taking the sea monster by surprise he pulled him into a kiss his eyes tightly shut. So this is the third person he has ever kissed, will ever kiss. It's sloppy and sickly, it makes him feel sick the mixture of stale fish and _ Bailey's, _which clings to the Merman's warm breath. He blocks it out searching inside himself for a place where he can hide, where he can block out what is happening to his body. When he finds it it's no surprise that Vince is already there occupying the space waiting for him. It isn't hard for him to imagine it's Vince he is kissing, not some stinking half fish hermaphrodite.

And then the earth beneath his feet began to move, and not in the good way. He pulled out of the kiss.

'Howard, shift your arse!' She shrieked as the Shaman Saboo swept her up into his arms.

The walls of the cave began to violently vibrate sending shards of rock crashing down from the ceiling. He ducked covering his head with his arm trying to shield himself from the falling debris. He was just about to follow her and Saboo when Old Gregg grabbed him, holding him fast.

'No Howard.' He struggled attempting to snatch his arm away, but the scaly man-fish kept him in place.

'Not until you say you'll marry me. You have to make an honest woman out of Old Gregg now.'

He didn't think he couldn't think the blood suddenly rushed to his head, the fear of eminent death looming over him.

'Noooo! I will never marry you! I don't love you, I can't stand you! I wish, I wish I'd never met you! I hate you, I hate what you've done to me! I wish you were dead, because I can't stand the thought of you being alive...without me!' He didn't even really know what he was saying or even who he was saying it to, as he roughly reclaimed his arm darting out of the way as the ceiling above them began to give way and crumble.

'Howard!' He heard her voice spinning around to run, something suddenly caught him stopping him. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Old Gregg hunched on the floor sobbing while his world collapsed around him. It was him he knew exactly what that felt like. He couldn't leave him, he couldn't let Old Gregg die alone the last words ringing in his ears words of hatred.

'Come with me now!' He gasped, weaving through the rubble holding his hand out to the sea monster. He didn't wait for an answer he snatched Old Gregg up by the collar of his jacket, dragging him along as he ran as fast as he could the whole cave collapsing behind their heels.

His heart is pounding in his chest as he ran clinging to the fabric of Old Gregg's shoulder pad, he can see the mouth of the cave and the waiting submarine. He can see her, Naboo and even Bollo waving there hands shouting for him to hurry up. At the last second he throws Old Gregg in front of him pushing him onto the platform of the sub. And then just as he takes a ragged harsh breath, just as he things he save, everything goes suddenly dark.

The mouth of the sea cave collapsed on top of him, leaving him lifeless buried under mountains of rubble.

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_From when he opened his eyes, to when they took the tube out of his throat it seemed to take ages for him to recover. It was a month at least until he was sitting up in bed, the first of his casts being prized off. He'd broken almost every bone in his body minus his nose and his jaw, his head had cracked open like a nut; apparently. He couldn't remember anything about the event, the Doctors had told him he was lucky not to have any lasting or serious brain damage. Naboo had made a joke about them needing his brain, or something like that his ears seemed to be ringing most of the time. They all visited him Naboo, Bollo, Lester flew to France especially escorted by Bob Fossil, even people he didn't know like Tony Harrison and Kirk from the board of Shaman dropped by. Part of him had hoped, but it had never happened he looked for him everyday but he never came. She was his constant support she never left his side, she clung to him. There parents, strangers he hadn't seen for years since they moved back to Leeds made a brief appearance making sure that they avoided her. She'd sat in the corner wordless and pensive, and for their part they'd ignored her. When they left he hoped he'd never see them again. They had never needed them, when they had each other she'd told him. But deep down he'd always known he'd needed more, much more._

_Being stuck in his hospital bed had given him hours and hours of time to think, think as well as he could at least. He tried not to waste the time he wrote some more songs, he read a couple of the books he'd always promised himself he would read but never had, he even made a brief attempt at writing another novel. But what he'd really wanted to do was go home, that had surprised him; he wanted to be back in the flat to work in the shop he longed for the familiar._

_When he told them that he wanted to go home Naboo and Bollo both agreed, leaving the next day so they could kick the tenants Naboo had been subletting to, out of the flat. The next thing he'd tackled had been her, before his accident it had been obvious she was keeping something from him and as the months had passed it had visibly become more apparent. It was the elephant in the room, they never acknowledged._

_'So are you going to move back into the flat, or are you going to live with Saboo?' He'd asked, the day before he was due to discharged._

_'Probably going to move in with, Saboo.' She'd admitted with a giggle, it had been ages since he'd seen her smile._

_'So, have you thought of any names yet?' He'd casually questioned pointing at her stomach, not that it had need much pointing at._

_'Oh um yeah, I was thinking of Biba Muffin,'_

_'What?'_

_'For a girl. And maybe Harlow Moonblood for a boy. Saboo's into this whole floral thing though, he's pretty girly deep down.'_

_'No, Mabel you can't call a baby Muffin.' His whole body twinged the pain running through him as he'd sat up._

_'Why not? Frank Zappa's got a daughter called Diva Muffin.' She informed him casually, as she'd picked away at the edges of her chipped nail varnish._

_'Yeah well that's different. You can't seriously tell me that you're going to stand in the middle of a school playground and shout come here Biba Muffin you forgot your lunch box, it's ridiculous is what it is Sir.' She'd grinned as he'd lectured her._

_'Sir?' She'd raised her eyebrow._

_'And Biba isn't that a clothing brand, I mean it would be like calling your baby Topshop Brownie; it's free advertising!'_

_In the end it was all academic Biba Muffin or Topshop Brownie whatever she would have been called, in the end turned out to be a boy. Who had the dubious honour of being called Kitten Howard Moon. _


	12. A series of events from then to now

**I'm so sorry I haven't had time to reply to everyones reviews, I've been well busy: ( But I will get round 2 it promise: D**

**N e way thanks 2 BeckyRocks- X, stars of andormeda, SisiDraig, xXxBooshLoverxXx, chugirl 2526 and x ThursdayNext x Thanks 4 reading n reviewing: )**

**Only one chapter left: D**

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'NO!'

Had been her simple response. The whole restaurant seemed to freeze, she could feel a dozen pairs of eyes boring into the back of her head. The fork, which had been hanging precariously from the corner of Tony Harrison's mouth fell clattering against the table.

'Just get up, please.' She breathed the tone of her voice changing from shock to anguish. She wanted to cry, staring down at Saboo who was down on one knee in front of her presenting her with the most beautiful ring she had ever seen. Emeralds and diamonds. This was how it should have been, this was what she'd been waiting for and never known. But it was just to late.

She heard Dennis cough clearing his throat awkwardly. She was crushed realising that not only had she made a fool of Saboo in front of a packed restaurant, but she'd done it in front of the entire board of Shaman.

Noone said anything the air even seemed to be frozen, dragging the terrible moment out. Why didn't anyone tell her, if she had known that this was what he was going to do she could have stopped him. Why didn't anyone tell her?

'I'm sorry.' She got up suddenly pushing her chair backwards, scraping it across the floor as she moved. She opened her mouth to speak, but quickly closed it again her heart missing a beat. Dramatically she turned on her heels and ran.

The sound of Tony Harrison's _'I knew she'd get sick of you' _ringing in her ears.

It was raining she'd forgotten her coat she was shivering, she jumped into a waiting taxi. She thought about going home but Bollo was there babysitting he'd ask her questions, she couldn't deal with the ape's interfering. She thought about disappearing into the night, or going off to get pissed somewhere. But in the end there was only one place she went.

'Howard, Howard!' She called out slamming the door behind her as she raced up the stairs. The flat was gloomy lit only by flickering candles. At first she'd thought that the electricity might have gone out, but his precious _John Coltrane _record was skipping away on the record player in the corner of the room. She fumbled with the light switch flooding the room with a warm amber glow, it took a few seconds for her eyes to make the adjustment.

'Howard!' She stomped across the room flinging herself down on the rumbled sofa cushions. It was then that she noticed all the food and the two empty bottles of wine sitting on the coffee table in front of her. She drank what was left from the two half full wine glasses, leaving the imprint of her lipstick.

'Howard!' She called out again a petulant tone filling her voice.

'Howa...' She was interrupted mid demand, when he suddenly appeared the bedroom door behind her tearing open suddenly as he appeared flustered and rosy cheeked clad in only a beige thread bare dressing gown.

'Howard.'

'What, what do you want? What are you doing here?' He questioned breathlessly, his words tripping blending together. She stared at him for a few moments.

'It's 10:30, why are you in bed?' She questioned studying his features for a few moments. It had taking him what felt like forever to recover, that fact alone served to remind her how many times she had almost lost him; how many times his heart had stopped beating on the operating table. Some of his physical scars still lingered on his torso and arms, he had pins in his knee joints. He'd lost weight as well he was a shadow of himself.

'I wasn't in bed,'

'Yes you were, you just came out of your room and your wearing that bloody awful dressing gown.' She corrected him.

'Hey Howard, have you got any Saturn juice?' The conversation suddenly flipped flopped.

'What? No I haven't! Why are you here, I thought you and Saboo were going out for a curry with the board of Shaman?' Chewing on the flesh of her bottom lip she got up from the sofa, silently slipping past him moving into the kitchenette opening the fridge.

'Howard, what's all this food?' She mused cocking her head to one side as she plucked out a ripe juicy red strawberry popping the fruit into her mouth.

'Get off, that's not for you!' He frowned, slamming the fridge door shut in her face.

She froze blinking for a few moments staring at the white closed fridge door, before she suddenly burst into tears. Before he had the chance to say anything, she'd wrapped her arms tightly around his waist burying her head in his chest.

'What happened, I thought Saboo was going to...'

'I've done something terrible Howard, I've ruined everything. I love him, I really love him but he'll never want me now...I've ruined everything.' She mumbled incoherently. It was then through her tear strained haze she heard a voice, a voice that didn't belong to the man whose arms she trembled in.

'Howard, oh.' She shifted slipping out of her brother's arms, he was talking over her head at the familiar figure who lingered in the bedroom doorway.

'Bonjour Mabel.' Jack grinned, his dark hair ruffled falling across his features.

'Howard, why did you tell me Jack was staying over?' She frowned her tears slipping away, assaulting his shoulder with an accusirly punch.

'Voulez-vous du cafe?' Jack inquired as they all shifted positions, he pulled her by her elbow back into the living room while Jack flipped the switch on the kettle in the kitchenette.

'Yes I did, I've been telling everyone everyday for over a month!' Remembering suddenly, she couldn't help but blush giggling lightly; she'd never seen him look so pissed off.

'Sorry, I forgot.' She apologised, rubbing her hand over the spot where she had hit him.

'Don't touch me!' Angrily he shook her off.

Her mood suddenly changed again, as she fell back down onto the sofa gnawing on her fingernails.

'What am I going to do? This isn't like the cheesecake thing, this is really serious.' She mumbled to know on in particular. A warm coffee mug suddenly appeared in her hands, and she heard him asking Jack for five minutes alone. She remembered back to the incident with the cheesecake at the board of Shaman's barbecue, she'd forgotten to bring anything except a bottle of Vodka most of which she'd drunk on the rug over. Mrs Harrison, god she really, really couldn't stand her; had made the most amazing strawberry and white chocolate cheesecake. Even Methuselah, Dennis' estranged extreme sports calender model fitness freak of a wife had put tofu on cocktail sticks, and there she had been drunk and empty handed. Usually it wouldn't have mattered what state she'd been in but this was one of those nights when wives and children were around, precious Mrs Harrison and all the little Harrisons had been their. She'd made a complete fool of both of them getting drunker and drunker and more out of control until finally she'd ended up being ass up Mrs Harrison's cheesecake. She would have thought it was funny if it hadn't happened to her.

'Just tell me what happened?' She could tell from the tone in his voice that he was fed up, closing her eyes she just blurted it all out in one long rambling sentence.

'Saboo at the restraint...he asked me to, to he proposed to me. The ring is so beautiful, why didn't anyone tell me...if I had known. I can't marry him, I want to but I can't marry anyone.' She burst into tears again, and this time he willing pulled her against his chest. She listened to the sound of his heart beating.

'I don't understand if you love him why don't you just marry him, Sir.'

'Have you ever been to prison, Howard?' She questioned, knitting her fingers through the thread bare fabric of the old dressing gown, letting her digits get lost and tangled.

'No, no I haven't.'

'I have.' She admitted softly.

'It's horrible it's worse than being in hospital. They make you wear orange I hate orange it doesn't suit me, they never let you have any drugs, and they strap you into this electro chair.' She rambled on interrupted mid way through by his voice.

'Mabel, are you talking about the electric chair?'

'Yea that's it, and I didn't even kill a third of those people.' She felt him stiffen against her, swallowing hard.

'It's not that I didn't want to die it's just I've never been to Iceland, and I always wanted to go so I...I got married.' She leaned against his chest watching him stare at her.

'You...what...I don't understand?'

'I'm already married.' She curled up a little wanting to shrink inside herself.

'Why didn't you tell me before? Can't you just get a divorce or an annulment or something?'

'I didn't want you to be angry with me.' She said childishly.

'And I tried to get a divorce I even saw this really expensive attorney in New York, he said I don't have any grounds for an annulment, and you can't get divorced if you don't know where the person your supposed to be married to is. He travels um a lot.' She knows he can read her like a cheap paperback, it's something she both loves and hates. But it's like a coin it goes both ways, she knows what he's thinking, that his panicking, that he knows.

'Tell me it's not true, tell me you didn't...you didn't marry him.' She can't stand the look of disappointment plastered across his features, she hates the fact that that's all she has ever inspired in his face; that and terror.

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_'Why are you late?' Naboo questions in his dry monotone way._

_He looks up jumping up from his stool behind the counter helping her squash the pushchair through the door. He smiles down at the occupant his nephew who grins back up at him, he can't believe how quickly this had all happened he's gone from baby to toddler in the space of a week, it just feels like a week in reality it's been eighteen months. Children are like hour glasses, you can really see the sand draining away._

_'Have you ever tried to navigate the tube with a baby, Naboo?' She snaps breathlessly, she looks tired._

_He could never do this not for real, he could never be a parent. He likes all the good things that come with children, things that he'd never known about before Kitten was born. He likes the games, and the stories, he loves to hear him laugh especially when he's on his back riding him around the floor like he's a horse. But all the other stuff he can easily live without._

_In answer to her question Naboo simply shrugged his shoulders mutely._

_'So hows my big man?' He's been waiting patiently for her to release Kitten from the straps of the pushchair, as soon as she has he sweeps the little boy up into his arms. _

_'Doward.' Kitten squeals tugging painfully on his moustache. He can't say much yet his first word turned out to be 'Bollo', but he's advanced for his age most babies can't use more than three or four words. Even Naboo cracks a smile when he placed Kitten on the shop counter._

_'Boo-boo.' Kitten points delightedly at the tiny Shaman, who grinned back equally as pleased._

_'Right, I need a fag.' She informs folding up the pushchair she and Saboo had bought from the Shamanistic branch of Mothercare, slipping it into her small Channel handbag. His only half listening to her._

_'Customer.' Naboo informs, glancing up briefly from his in-land revenue forms every now and then to make a face at Kitten. _

_'Boo-boo...boo.' Kitten gurgles happily when he lets him down from the shop counter onto the floor, he tears off towards the Shaman only a little unsteady on his feet, tugging at Naboo's robes._

_He turns his attention to the 'customer' it's a woman loitering in the Jazz section, she's wearing mostly black and her rich dark hair is piled high on the top of her head; from behind she looks familiar. _

_'In the jazz section I see.' He grins hoping to secure his fifth ever sale._

_'Yes, do you have this record?' The strangely familiar woman inquires in a thick European accent. He doesn't even need to see her face, which is turned away from him to know who she is. She holds out a crumpled piece of paper and he scans the title, it had to be. _

_'Yes, yes we do.' He says finding it without difficulty, of course it was easy to find everything is in alphabetical order now in the shop, and besides it was his album he made it he knew exactly where he had put it. Finding the album he handed it to her, she looked at him then. It was strange he'd almost forgotten what she looked like, this was someone he'd been obsessed with for ten years her features had just been erased from his memory. It was completely different with Vince, he remembered everything; every scar, every freckle, every spot everything. The longer it got, the more time that seemed to pass since the last time he'd seen Vince only served to intensify those memories._

_'That's 65 euros.' He explained punching the price into the till, fishing out a paper bag. _

_'You know I use to know that girl,' Mrs Gideon mused raising her arched eyebrow, jabbing her index finger over his sister's face._

_'...poor little thing, you know I thought she had died. She use to live with this terrible man, her 'brother',' The quotation marks still hurt._

_'...he had a face like a oblong you know what I mean. Terrible, that poor boy. Still I suppose she has done well for herself, such a talent.' Mrs Gideon handed over her money, he placed the record in a bag passing her, her change along with her purchase. _

_'Thank you.' Mrs Gideon turned on her heels to leave opening the shop door, she muttered something absent-mindedly._

_'Maybe, it was the boy who died.' And with that bomb shell Mrs Gideon left the shop._

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_'Maybe, it was the boy who died.'_

The thought still echoed around his head. What if Vince was dead, what if he had died and he'd never known. Vince as far as he knew had noone apart from him, Naboo, Bollo and Leroy in the world. What if Vince had died alone, in some god forsaken back alley? What if Vince had been afraid, or in pain what if he'd needed him needed someone and noone had been there? What if noone had been at Vince's funeral?

He tried to shake the thoughts, a year passed and he still couldn't.

It haunted him day and night, the nights were the worst when he'd wake up in Jack's arms screaming Vince's name.

But Vince wouldn't die, he couldn't die; and he'd never be alone. Out of the pair of them it was him who had the higher chance of dying alone and completely forgotten.

But still he couldn't shake the thoughts that came to him in the night, a million different scenarios each with the same terrible outcome.

_'Howard.' _He'd been sitting on his bed resting against the headboard flipping through a well thumbed copy of the global explorer that he'd 'picked up' at the dentists, the phone resting limply against the side of his head.

_'Howard, I've got some nouvelles fantastiques!' _Jack exclaimed down the other end of the line, mixing his languages. Maybe it wasn't that, maybe he just finally understood French.

'Tell me.'

_'I got that promotion you know the one I told you about, I got it. There relocating me.'_

'Relocating, what to London?' He questioned hopefully.

_'No mon ami, not to London to New York.' _His heart suddenly sank. New York, it was hard enough for them to keep their relationship going as it was shuttling between London and Paris, he didn't think he could manage New York.

'What, what about us?' He sounded sheepish, he felt selfish. The magazine slipped from his fingers.

_'I want you to come with me Howard. Move with me to New York. You haven't got anything keeping you there, Mabel and your friends can visit us, I've seen the magic carpets. You can pursue your music, New York is the perfect place for Jazz. This could be the fresh start you've always wanted, always needed.'_ He thought about leaving London, leaving the shop, leaving the flat it wouldn't be hard. There was nothing keeping him there, Jack was right everyone who mattered to him could see him any time they wanted. He knew she'd relish the chance of going back to America. And he'd get some real exposure, he might even open a club.

_'Howard, I'm not going without you.'_

'You don't have to, I'm coming with you.'

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The surprise was for everyone including himself, the fact that he actually had move to New York with Jack.

'I won't let your room out just yet, yeah.' Naboo had mumbled, watching him from the corner of the room as he'd finished the last of his packing ticking everything off his check list. He'd ignored him, Naboo had been in a weird mood ever since he had told him he was leaving. Bollo had also been less than pleased. At the time he hadn't understood why they had both been acting so out of character, why had they cared if he'd moved out? It wasn't any different to how it had been in Paris, but they had been going with him then and there had been some chance that he'd eventually move back to the flat. He'd been going forever and they all knew it.

It had been strange going on the boat, the boat that he should have been on with Vince all those years before. He had wondered as he'd silently watched Lady Liberty waving him in what it would have been like if Vince had never insisted on giving that Captain a mullet, would they have been reach and famous by now? Probably not he'd decided, their music had always been shit what had he been thinking electro/jazz fusion. And they wouldn't have been any more together than they had been at that moment. He'd stared at the empty space next to him. It would all have gone to Vince's head, the fame and the success he would have ended up a talentless drug addict surrounded by people who were more interested in his fame than him.

For all he had known at that moment that had been the reality of Vince's life, maybe he had been off somewhere making a name for himself amongst the local drug dealers and hussies of wherever he had been.

New York however hadn't been the land of milk and honey, he'd been lonely there.

The first year had flown by lost in sight seeing and the experience of experiencing something new. He saw more of his family in New York than he had in those final months in London. In America she was completely different in her element not flapping about like some fish stranded out of water, she said things like 'trash' and 'pavement' they all thought she was one of them. But midway through the second year everything seemed to get stuck. She hardly ever brought Kitten to see him because by then he was three and at playgroup everyday, Naboo, Bollo and Lester all stopped coming altogether, and Jack had been working all the time.

It just fizzled out his relationship with Jack they went from friends, to working together, to being loves, to being boyfriends, to being friends, to working together. It had been over for ages before either of them could work up the courage to admit it, it was a relief when they finally did.

He'd been homeless for a couple of days, not homeless he'd lived in a hotel but he'd felt pretty homeless. When he'd moved back to the flat Naboo and Bollo had acted like he'd never been away, he'd wondered if he'd ever escape.

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_She lay on her back holding the newspaper above her face. Generally she didn't like to read, but something had made her pick it up. She'd scanned the contents which had been filled with rubbish about credit crunches and hoodies, who even cared about that shit. Her small eyes had bulged on page forty-four however._

**Millionaire adventurer Dixon Banbridge killed in Bison stampede.**

_'Like crisps under Bison_**.' **_She giggled to herself letting the paper rest limply against her chest, turning to face Saboo who was busy navigating the carpet they were flying on._

_'So, do you still wanna marry me?'_


	13. Don't Falter

**Okay so change o plan, this will run 4 another chapter n then that is it all my writing is finish ever: D Well no I still have 2 write my stupid boring beyond boring essays for uni and my dun dun dun DISSERTATION much fear: D**

**Okay I am soooo sorry I haven't had the time 2 get around 2 replying 2 peoples reviews I've been soooo busy: ( I haven't even been out in ages, cus I have nooo money n tons of shitting essays...still like the third year is almost over right I mean argh: ( I am a recluse and I am dying: D**

**Okay so thanks 2 SisiDraig, xXxBooshLoverxXx, stars of andromeda, Becky RocksX, chugirl 2526 I promise, promise I will get round to replying to you each individually: D**

**Oh the song in this is really, really old it's Mint Royale feat Lauren Lavern **_Don't Falter_. **I use to love it when I was younger and it's still in my top 25 ipod playlist sadness: D**

**I don't fucking on this alright, okay happy now: D**

**Enjoy: D**

_'I love being rich, Howard.' She commented, as she'd handed her new platinum card over to the shop assistant. It had come as no surprise to anyone that Dixon Bainbridge had, had no living family his vast fortune had reverted entirely to her._

_'Maybe, you shouldn't spend it all at once though.' She vaguely listened to the sound of his fussing. Even if she lived forever she'd never be able to spend all of Bainbridge's money. The shop assistant handing her back her card, she collected up the bags thrusting them against his chest._

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'Urgh, urgh.' Tony Harrison rasped, as he was violently sick over his tentacles. His head spun and his stomach lurched violently.

'I think I'm dying.' He moaned, clutching his forehead glancing in Naboo's direction. The tiny Shaman said nothing, staring blankly black through heavy dark sunglasses.

'Harold leave Naboo alone.' Bollo commented, taking a sip from his pint glass.

'1, 2, 3, 4 argh...' The sound of Saboo and Kirk's shouts shuddered through him, as they gleefully downed a brightly coloured array of shots, one after the sickly other. He stared at them his double vision swimming he stumbled up to his feet swaying away from the small wooden table. He didn't know where in the where in the world he was, or even if he was on the same world on Planet Earth he could have been anywhere. They were on a beach, Bollo told him it was the same resort they'd gone for Dennis the head Shaman's stag weekend they'd got a discount. Everything is dark now lit only by the faint glow of distant tiki torches and a swirling sky filled with shimmering granite diamonds. The midnight breeze ripples through the shadowy outlines of palm trees, the inky black sea ebbing away, it's beautiful it's still he feels like if he lay down on the cooling sand he'd be happy enough to die in that moment. But death is the last thing on his mind. There's only one thing on cloudy mind, his speech it's only half written he doesn't know what to say. There's so much he can't mention about her, and he's never even had a full conversation with the Shaman.

Vince would like it here it's all frivolous all sun, sand, brightly coloured cocktails, youth, laughter and volleyball. He never stops thinking about Vince, it's like a constant tick that he's finally gotten use to. Use to but he wont let it hold him back, something has finally changed inside him he's grown up he hasn't told Naboo or Bollo but he's been looking at buying a flat. His own flat, his own adult space it's exciting. She wants to go into business with him, she wants to pour some of Bainbridge's capital into his idea of a jazz club. He hopes Bainbridge is spinning in his grave.

His finally ready for the future...

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'Howard leave it out, yeah.' Naboo complained, shielding his squinting eyes from his suit.

'Make me a resolve, Bollo.' The tiny Shaman whimpered slumping down onto the sofa, clutching a cushion against his chest. His pale, paler than is even normal for Naboo the Shaman looks as if he might have died some time in the night and not known about it.

Bollo pushes past him handing Naboo his resolve dutifully. He ignores the ape straightening his tie in the mirror, he catches sight of the faces Naboo and Bollo are making behind his back in the corner of his eye. Naboo's been acting strange for days his moods fluctuating from extreme happiness to angry frustration. Every now and then the tiny Shaman makes an outburst like _'you two don't appreciate me' _and _'this is the last time I bother, I don't care you can both die alone'_ and _'she can stuff herself and get Saboo to do it'._ He never had chance to think it through something always distracted him, and it distracted him then when Kitten suddenly appeared tearing into the living room from the direction of Vince's old bedroom. He tossed the over excited four year old up into his arms, chuckling as he moved.

'Urgh, I'm going back to bed.' Naboo whined as he downed his resolve, crawling off the sofa staggering in the direction of his room.

'Naboo, Naboolio you don't have time to go back to bed Sir. I typed out an inventory,'

'Sod off Howard.' The tiny Shaman shot back with a groan, not even bothering to look at over his shoulder.

'Naboolio!'

'Sod off, Howard.' Kitten giggled, going through a transitional stage in his young development coping those he most admired.

'Kit no, that's naughty.' He chided, his warning receiving an excited giggle.

'Harold eat.' Bollo appeared from the kitchenette his pink frilly apron tied up around his neck and waist, exchanging Kitten for a plate of toast.

'Sod off Bollo!' The little boy squealed, wrapping his chubby arms loosely around the ape's broad neck snuggling against his warm rough hair.

'Put Kit down Bollo, you'll get him all hairy.' He warned Bollo between mouthfuls, reluctantly Bollo let Kitten slip out of his grasp the little boy happily jumping on the sofa flipping through the channels on the television with the remote. He couldn't stop fussing abandoning his half eaten breakfast he rescued the remote out of Kitten's chubby stubby grasp, letting it rest on _In the night garden._

'Howard.'

'Bollo go and wake Naboo up, make sure he has a shower.' Bollo grunted.

'Howard.'

_'Maybe I should send another email to the florist.' _He mumbled to himself panicking more than a little as he pulled his muffin coloured note pad from his breast pocket flipping through the pages.

_'I should...'_

'Howard, can you come here a minute.' His heart suddenly stopped beating it was the one thing he hadn't thought of, he turned slowly she was standing in the doorway of Vince's bedroom wearing Vince's old silk kimono one of the many items of his clothing she'd rescued from the bin-bag reign of terror.

'Why, why...' The question twisted in his mouth.

'Just come here.' She smiled, holding out her hand. Something was wrong, she was too calm. Brides shouldn't be calm on the morning of their wedding, they should be a twitching blubbering mess like him. Against his better judgement he crossed the room letting her take him by the hand.

'What about Kit?'

'Bollo Naboo doesn't need you to wash him, keep an eye on Kitten me and Howard need to have a chat.' She called out to the ape, who was fighting with the tiny Shaman forcing him physically into the small bathroom.

Reluctantly he followed her into Vince's bedroom, not that it was much of a bedroom any more it was more of a storage facility filled up by all the things he'd collected when he'd been living in New York and all the things she hadn't taking with her when she'd moved in with Saboo. Really it was just a single bed, his old single bed.

'Sit down.' Silently he navigated the bin bags, sitting on the bed next to her.

'You're calling this off aren't you.' He whispered, his voice sounding hollow at the thought of cancelling all the arrangements he had made.

'What, no you stupid pillock!' She giggled, punching his upper arm playfully hard.

'Oww, what...then why...' He complained confused rubbing the fabric of his arm, frowning.

'I wanted to give you this, before you know I got to pissed and forgot.' She grinned a large brown envelope appearing suddenly from nowhere.

'Mabel?'

'Just open it.' She rolled her eyes thrusting the envelope into his hand, playing with the outline of one manicured finger nail as she waited for his reaction. He fumbled with the seal, the contents slipping out awkwardly into his hands he stared at the official looking document sitting on his lap.

'You bought that old club we saw.' He breathed a wide smile making it's way across his features, for the first time he wanted to hug her.

'Yes and no.' She informed cryptically, her eyebrow arching.

'Yes I did buy it, but I bought it for you Howard it's yours.' His mouth fell open he couldn't help it, he swallowed hard attempting to digest the information. He couldn't take his eyes of the piece of paper, he'd never owned anything not a house, not a flat, not a bike, not even a dog; and now he had this.

'But we'll run it together, right?' Taking his trembling hands in her own she smiled at him, she looked different prettier, relaxed the sun streamed into the room through the open window behind her head flooding her in a warm white glow. Her hair was blonde again, she looked like an angel.

'Na it's not really my thing I like spending money, I think I'd be crap at trying to actually make any. Besides this is more your thing.' Her hair is blonde again, she looks like an angel.

'I can't, you can't,' He stutters, she shifts in the bed.

'Howard I can and I have to,' She mused, her voice claiming dominance in their disjointed conversation.

'What? No Mabel, you don't have to do anything.'

'Yes, yes I do Howard I owe you everything. You've saved my life so many times, everything I have is because of you I'll never...I'll...' She suddenly broke down into sobs. It was instinct his hands slipped from underneath hers as he wrapped his arms tightly around her scrawny form, letting her head press against his chest resting his chin on the top of her head.

'Sssuh it's okay, it's just nerves.'

'I love you Howard. I just want to make you happy.'

He opens his mouth to speak but he's cut off before the words have a chance to escape his lips by a exuberant tap on the bedroom door.

'Only me.' A think West Country accent and a childish giggle announce the girl standing in the doorway. He let his arms fall away from her climbing off the bed he edged towards the door, women made him nervous especially when there was more than one of them.

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_Her heart had felt like it was about to rip through her chest. Her breathing had been hot and ragged. She hadn't been able to believe it, to comprehend it that is was all suddenly over, life. They'd been having so much fun._

_But all fun ended, and their fun had ended there in a tiny dinner on the edge of a red dusty dead end road. She'd known it had been a mistake, something had felt wrong they'd been watching the dinner for weeks but something had been different that day. It had been the centre for drugs, that small forgotten dinner; all the big dealers showed up all the mobsters to do their sleazy business. Up until then they'd been making a respectable living holding up banks and gas stations, it wasn't anything big or anything flash but they got by and they enjoyed it. It had been by chance that they'd ever come across that dinner in the first place, they'd spent most of the night driving across the country escaping another town, another wanted poster. She'd wanted a coffee, Suki had wanted a bag of sweets and Sailor had needed a slash as she'd politely put it, they'd stopped there because there had been nothing else for miles; it had been obvious that it was a dinner like no other from the moment they'd stepped inside all the bags of coke, flash suits, and brief cases stuffed with hundred dollar bills had given the game away somewhat._

_Sailor had decided there and then that they'd hold the joint up, she'd claimed it was perfect noone would expect it and the police wouldn't be involved. She'd known it was a bad idea but she'd been weak she could never say 'NO' to anyone, Suki had been blinded by her fever for opiates and Sailor had been greedy. _

**When you're with me it's always summer.**

_That stupid song it had been playing over and over in her head, it was still playing when they'd open fire. Sailor was naturally the leader she went in first, she always backed her up with another gun, while Suki sat in the car listening to her stupid CD's and snorting coke off the dash board revving the engine every now and then in case they needed to make a quick get away._

**I use to feel so sad, and think to slow and drink to fast.**

_The dinner had been practically empty, when they'd pulled there guns but there'd been a good reason for that. You see as they discovered in that moment they hadn't been the only ones watching that particular establishment. The police, the cops, the fuzz whatever you wanted to call them had shown up, and the blood bath that had followed had been like something even Tarentino wouldn't have been able to device. It had been epic._

**Life had me blue and black, till someone came and changed me back.**

_The fact that she'd escaped unhurt had been a miracle, the bullets had seemed to just whiz past her. Sailor had lay crumpled at her feet clutching her side screaming and bleeding. Everything had been screaming and blood._

_She'd dragged her by the collar of her jacket across the slippery floor through the rivets and thick pools of scarlet, stopping every now and then to fire her gun over Sailor's limp form. She'd been killing people, she vaguely remembered shooting a man in the face. Her blood had been pumping, rushing through her veins._

_Through the haze of smoke and sweat she managed to drag Sailor out of the dinner, her blood running across the warm orange dust. The car suddenly appeared from nowhere tearing up the rough road surface, the stereo thumping away. There wasn't time shots spun through the air crashing against the car, she'd clutched her hand against her head struggling with the rear passenger door once it was open she'd managed to push Sailor inside before crawling into the back after her._

_'Cocking drive!' She'd ordered Suki who'd obediently slammed her foot down on the accelerator._

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The wedding hadn't been the sort of wedding he'd expected, it certainly wasn't the sort of wedding he would have wanted. It seemed so rushed and informal, and the registry office was so official and bland. But in the end it didn't really matter what he thought, her and Saboo seemed happy enough more than happy. And he supposed it was better than being stuck in a stuffy church, but he'd decided as he'd walked her up the aisle that if he ever got married he would never do it in a place like that he'd always liked the idea of a wedding in a garden. Not that he'd ever get married.

And then it had all been over and they'd been married, and he'd suddenly found himself standing outside in the blazing sunshine the rain, which had been falling earlier dissipating leaving behind only a few puddles and damp grass.

Bollo started snapping away using the photography skills he'd gained during that course the ape had taken at college. He stood a little way away leaning against the damp brick wall watching the action taking place in front of him listening to the sound of Bob Fossil's random sobbing.

'Howard, where's Howard!' He'd only been half listening when his name had been called, it had been a distant echo.

'Has anyone seen Howard?'

'Howard, you ballbag.' Naboo muttered, the tiny Shaman suddenly appearing next to rolling his eyes in his world weary way. He'd suddenly snapped into life jumping into the photograph next to her taking up Saboo's position next to her wrapping his arm loosely around her waist. He'd been proud, so proud of her.

'Now just bride and groom.' He'd been staring at her watching as she smiled up at him, she'd looked beautiful not pretty but beautiful. Her newly dyed blonde hair had hung loosely around her shoulders pooling around in light golden curls. The faint ivory coloured dress she'd been wearing had been a one off hand made Jean Claude Jacquette number apparently, he'd been surprised when he'd first seen her in it was restrained and glamours instead of flashy and tacky.

'Howard, get out of the shot you ballbag.' Naboo's voice had cut through the moment, he jumped out of the way clutching Kitten in his arms. He'd ignored the sight of his sister and Saboo kissing, instead tickling his nephew's tender ribs coaxing an excited giggle out of the little boy.

'Memory card full.' Bollo had informed.

'Shit off! Can we go to the fucking reception now?' Tony Harrison had shrieked, frowning hard he'd tried his best to cover Kitten's ears.

'Tony Harrison,' Dennis the head Shaman had been about to say something when he'd been curtly cut off by Saboo.

'I will destroy you, you fucking cleft!' The newly married Shaman hard warned, his voice reaching a higher and higher pitch.

'Who even invited you to this wedding?' He'd thought he probably should have stepped in to try and help defuse the situation but before he'd had the opportunity, she'd held Saboo's arm back dragging him back to her side whispering something in his ear as she'd pressed her body flush against his own. The Shaman's mood seemed to brighten.

'Let's go, I need a drink anyway.' She'd wrapped her arms around Saboo's waist giggling as she had planted a coy kiss on his cheek. Everyone started to move away chuckling and talking happily hurriedly, Kitten leapt out of his arms running off in the direction of his parents. He'd lingered at the back feeling completely alone, lost and depressed. A wedding wasn't the place to be single. No where was there really a place to be single. After that day he'd realised he'd really been on his own, she didn't need him anymore and Naboo and Bollo had never needed him.

Naboo had appeared next to him his arms tightly folded across his chest a faint smile tugging at the sides of his mouth.

'You think you'll ever do that, Naboolio?' He'd enquired nodding in the direction of his sister and Saboo. A look of pure disgust worked it's way over the tiny Shaman's features.

'Never.' Naboo had spat.

'Me neither Sir, no man shall ever tie Howard Moon down.' Naboo had shot him a doubtful knowing gaze from the corner of his eye.

_'Vince, is standing behind you.' _

The world suddenly and violently tipped on it's axis. He glanced over his shoulder and Vince had been standing there, he'd actually been seeing him for the first time in four long years. Everything faded away and without even really thinking he found himself suddenly standing in front of his former best friend staring down at him, while Vince had been gazing down at the cowboy boots he'd been wearing. He wanted to say something anything, but his voice had died in his throat at that moment. His stomach had been doing jimmyflips when Vince had finally looked up at him. Vince was so beautiful, so perfect nothing had changed, nothing had aged him. His eyes were still as big and as blue as they'd always been, his skin was still as pale and as soft, his mouth was still as inviting. God he'd wanted to kiss Vince. He'd promised himself when he'd been in the hospital recovering from the cave-in that if he'd ever seen Vince again he wouldn't let his stupid pride get in the way, that he'd just go with whatever he was feeling.

'Howard.' Vince had whispered his name softly, the first words that had past between them in years. A nervous expression flashed over Vince's perfect angular features as if he couldn't decided what to do next. He'd prayed he would just kiss him. The uncertainty left Vince's face, as he'd suddenly grabbed him by the collar of his jacket pulling him into a kiss.

But this was no ordinary kiss, no Sir. This was one of those kisses that only happens once in a life time, something that is was and would forever be, truly perfect. He poured everything into that perfect kiss, every emotion he had felt over those long four years, all of the pain and the heartache, all of the desperate need, all of the love mostly the love. For his part Vince reciprocated the kiss with a fiery over the top intensity, that he had missed more than life itself. It was only their shared need for oxygen that had made them separate. They'd both been more than a little breathless when their lips had finally parted.

'I love you.' Vince had whispered his voice leaving his body with a gasp.

Vince loved him it took a few moments for his to fully digest that information. He knew he'd never be happy again, it wasn't possible for anyone to be that happy more than once in their life. Three silly words completed his life, but it wasn't the words it was Vince; Vince completed his life. Vince gave meaning to everything.

'I've been such a plum Howard, I've waisted all this time.' He grabbed Vince wrapping his arms tightly around the younger man's slender waist pulling him into another rougher kiss, thrusting his tongue inside Vince's mouth.

'Come on Little man.' He'd grinned holding out his hand, Vince never even paused tangling his digits with his own.

Time seemed to drag, all he wanted to do was be with Vince. But every time he'd gotten close, close enough to touch him to talk to him one of them was dragged away. Everyone wanted a piece of Vince. And he'd had responsibilities, it had after all been his sister's wedding it was her day not his. He'd lost his speech he didn't know how or when, but he'd lost it he'd been standing there in front of all his friends and his family and Vince fumbling for the scrap of paper. Vince being there had made it worse, the last thing he had wanted was for him to see him looking like a old fumbling idiot. In the end he'd just made something up off the top of his head, something so corny that the words had made him wince as he'd said them.

And then finally, finally it had been all over. Saboo, his sister and Kitten had left first, followed by Dennis, Kirk, Naboo and Bollo who'd all decided to go on somewhere else with the rest of the board of Shaman. Her friends all dissipated along with Bob Fossil.

For the first time in four years he'd been alone with the man he loved.

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'This. Place. Hasn't. Changed.' Vince chuckled, punctuating his words between kisses as they stumbled up the stairs of the flat they'd once shared shedding clothes as they went. Reaching the top of the stairs he slipped out of Vince's grasp, suddenly remembering.

'A lot has changed since you were last here.' Vince just frowns at him, the space opening up between them. Vince's reaches out for him, but he pulls away nervously laughing to himself.

'Do you want a drink?' He questions feeling awkward, cringing at his own words terrified of driving Vince away again. But what else can he do, Vince has never seen him the way he is now. It was different with Jack because he had known about the accident he had been there watching him recover, Vince had no idea about his scars.

'Howard.' He ignored Vince's voice moving in the direction of the fridge, opening the door dragging out a bottle of beer. Before he even has a chance to close the fridge door Vince is on him forcing his backwards against the kitchen cupboards with the passionate hunger of his kisses. It's all heavy breathing and wet sloppy needy desperate kisses. Their teeth clash together. He feels boneless. But reality quickly seeps back in when Vince slips his warm hand underneath his shirt.

'No.' He whispers softly against Vince's warm mouth. Vince doesn't hear him can't hear him, because his mumbling and moaning he only half wants him to stop. But then the spell is broken when Vince's starts to undo the buttons running down the front of his so-white-if-the-sun-hit-it-it-would-actually-blind-someone shirt.

'No Vince, no!' He pulls his hand away his voice harsh and rasping. His heart was to break at the mixture of shock and something close to fear on Vince's face.

'Just no.' He smiles feeling sick, he takes Vince's hand in his own bringing it up to his mouth kissing it reassuringly. Letting go of Vince's hand he twists the cap off the beer bottle, slipping past his friend moving back into the living room continuing his dance of avoidance.

'Howard, what's going on?'

'I don't know.' He whispers truthfully, a long sigh escaping his swollen lips.

'Howard is there,' Vince pauses swallowing hard.

'is there someone else? Are you with someone else, do you have a girlfriend?' He chokes on his beer snorting loudly at the idea that he would ever have a girlfriend, he's never even kissed a woman. Vince is next to him patting his back as he coughs, struggling for air.

'No...no...there's noone.' He manages to speak between gasps.

'Then what's going on?' Vince is back on that old question, the warmth of his hand suddenly slipping from his hunched back.

'It's not, it's difficult.' He can tell from the look on Vince's face that is concern is quickly turning into confused frustration. Saying nothing he discards the bottle of beer cupping his friend's face in his hands planting another soft kiss on his mouth. Only to pull back once again.

'For fucks sake Howard!' Vince groans in frustration.

He's losing him, he's losing him all over again he's breaking his promise.

And then something happens that he doesn't expect to happen and it throws him even more off guard if that is at all possible, Vince starts crimping. It's soft at first tentative as he slowly draws him in, they both start smiling and by the end of the crimp they're both laughing; everything is easy and light. He hasn't crimped in years, but it's like riding a bike it's a skill that time can't erase. After a while, and it's a long while Vince finally speaks again.

'I'm gonna go,' His heart suddenly sinks.

'...here's my number.' Fidgeting Vince fishes a battered business card out of the pocket of his skinny jeans. He stared down at the card for a few seconds.

'Oh yeah I live with Leroy now, we print t-shirts,' Vince exclaimed tugging at the fabric of the neon pink t-shirt he's wearing.

'...it's you know, a long story.' There's a sadness burning in Vince's gaze as he makes a move towards the stairs collecting his coat, he desperately doesn't want to leave and he doesn't want him to go. He follows him across the room, choking on the words that refuse to leave his throat. He knows that if Vince leaves now that's it, it's all over he'll never come back he'll lose him again and this time it will be forever.

'So, okay then...I guess, I'm gonna leave then.' He says nothing, he knows Vince is waiting for him to say something, anything but he says nothing. His head hanging limply against his chest Vince starts to make his way back down the stairs, he looks crushed.

'I, I...I had an accident.' His voice calls out, shaking a little as he speaks.

'When? What today?' Vince questions darting back up the stairs, a look of concern plastered across his features. Vince's reaches out for him resting the palm of his hand on his arm. He wants to look at him but instead he finds himself transfixed by the speck of mud on the toe of his shoe.

'No, no not today a couple of years ago. I, I was in an accident I was really ill and I'm, I'm not the same as I use to be.' He said it all to the mud on his shoe. The response his words elicited from Vince sent his heart hammering against his rib cage. A warm pair of arms suddenly snaked around his waist clutching him tightly desperately.

'You bumberclark, Howard.' Vince whispered softly against the crook of his neck, he smiled his arms slipping across the younger man's back.

'It's just you know I have a lot of scars, I didn't I was scared...I don't want you to see them.'

'What is it with you and this one up-man-ship, Howard?' Vince grinned nuzzling his smooth forehead against his rough chin.

'What I've got my massive _NickyClarkehottestyoucanget _straighteners scar, so you've got to go off and get yourself a bunch of little ones to compete with me?' Vince teased, his fingers running invitingly across the waistband of his tight jeans.

'Right, you better show me.' Vince informed untangling himself from his grasp, folding his arms tightly across his chest. Paralysed by fear he blinked back at him mutely for a few seconds his arms falling limply by his sides.

'I'll do it then.' Vince bounced towards him silencing his open mouth with another kiss, making short work of his shirt buttons. It wasn't long until the material was fluttering down against the floor. The younger man looked at him his expression unreadable as he tapped his index finger against his chin.

'You went a bit over the top didn't you?' He joked breaking the tension, which still hung between them. Everything was going to be alright now, he knew it was.

'So, how did you achieve this? Did you cut yourself shaving, or was it at Jazzersize?' He felt as if his skin was on fire, waves of electric suddenly shot through his body as Vince's nimble fingers traced the outline of the scars running across his torso.

'No, I was in a cave-in actually in Paris.' He finally relaxed.

'Only you could go to Paris Howard, the most romantic city in the world; and end up in a cave.' Vince's fingers were suddenly replaced by his lips, as his warm mouth nibble and sucked.

'It wasn't like that. I'm a hero you know Vince.' He exclaimed, trying his hardest to concentrate on his words and not float away on the blissful feelings that flooded him.

'You really are a 'man of action' then.' Vince grinned mischievously up at him dropping to his knees in front of him tugging at his belt.


	14. Death!

'That's genius

**So finally finished, what an epic: D**

**I think this is gonna be my last story so I hope u guys enjoy: D**

**Thanks 2 everyone who has reviewed and everyone who has read: D**

**This chapter is dedicated 2 **

**SisiDraig,**

**BeckyRocks-X **

**chugirl 2526**

**stars of andromeda **

**perichan**

**xXxBooshLoverxXx**

**XThursday Next X**

**Okay so I don't own this: D**

**Oooh and this was really hard 2 write I think it shows: )**

'That's genius.' Vince grinned craning his neck back into the fabric of the soft pillow behind his head. He was only half listening resting on his stomach basking in the sight of the man lying next to him. Sleepily he rolled his small eyes up into the direction of the poster, which hung over his bed. He grinned he couldn't help himself. He waited for a response from the younger man but nothing came, Vince suddenly grew unusually quiet and pensive.

'You're quiet.' He whispered softly, afraid of the sound of his own voice.

'Thinking.' Vince replied back his forehead knitting into a tight frown. This wasn't good, this was bad really bad.

'Oh.' Vince was having second thoughts he could tell. Everything thing that happened had happened so fast, maybe Vince wasn't ready. Maybe Vince didn't really want this? What if it was all happening again, if he left this time if he walked out on him again he didn't think he'd be able to cope.

'Oh god Howard I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry, oh God.' Vince suddenly broke down into floods of tears. He just stared at him frozen watching him cry, feeling the mattress underneath him shift a little with the power and force of Vince's sobs. But he couldn't just lay there, he couldn't just lay there and watch his...best friend struggle like that so full of hopelessness.

'Little man, it's okay...it's okay Vince.' _Little man_ it felt like the most natural thing in the world to call Vince that. Leaning over him he wrapped his arms tightly around Vince's slender frame in a bid to comfort him. But his comforting only seemed to make everything so much worse, Vince's tears increased. Vince looked like he was having some kind of breakdown. He had to put a stop to this he'd never seen Vince in such a state, he was going to give himself a headache or worse than that an embolism.

'Little man.' He whispered his voice hitting the right soothing pitch, he planted a soft kiss on Vince's wet mouth waiting for a response. He got one, Vince's tears suddenly dried up as he leaned in further a flurry of kisses following; Vince didn't miss a beat.

'Oh God Howard I love you, I love you so much.' Vince uttered softly, when there lips finally parted he was smiling up at him his face tear streaked and blotchy. Vince meant it, he really meant it he really did love him it burned across his face. He suddenly realised something, that there was a great hole in their disjointed conversation. He thought he'd said it, he was sure he had but maybe he hadn't.

'I love you too, Little man.' Saying it felt like a weight being finally lifted off his chest. This was it now, this would be how it would always be they'd always be together he'd never lose Vince again.

'I'll never leave you Howard. I'll never leave you I promise. On Gary Numan's life, I'll never leave you again.'

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When Vince woke up in the morning Howard was gone.

It took him a few moments to adjust to his surroundings. He'd spent so long moving from one place to another, that he was completely us to not knowing exactly where he was when he opened his eyes each morning. But he knew this place it was Howard's room with Howard's things, he had more things than Vince remembered.

Stretching he yawned hard running his hand through his messy bed head. He didn't relish the idea of having to leave the flat with hair like that; maybe Howard had a hat he could borrow. Maybe not, though. The years had done nothing for Howard's fashion sense, in fact he looked worse moth eaten. Still Howard was thinner he'd lost tons of weight that was good, not that Vince wanted him thin he liked Howard anyway he was fat, thin whatever; it was just it would make it so much easier for him to style him now. Suits, he was thinking suits Howard had looked good in his suit at the wedding even if it had been a truly terrible colour. Maybe he'd make him a t-shirt, no he didn't really like the thought of Howard in a t-shirt he'd look funny. And not in a 'ha-ha' way.

Howard's bedroom door was slightly ajar and Vince could hear the faint sound of the radio humming away, he also smelt cooking. He wondering if he should tell Howard he was a vegetarian. That he now actually ate fruit and not just sweets. That he drank hot chocolate and not just fizzy pop. That he was pretty sure he was going to do something drastic to his hair, just not totally sure what that drastic thing would be just yet.

He climbed out of Howard's bed untangling himself from the messy sheets. He was just about to leave the room when he quickly changed his mind. Generally he just walked about the flat he shared with Leroy naked because well Leroy was hardly ever there, and when he was he didn't seem to care or to really even notice. It was just the two of them, sometimes three of them if Leroy's girlfriend Sue stayed over; but this was different the last thing he wanted was for Naboo and Bollo to be out there or that little kid Howard had been holding at the wedding. He retrieved his jeans from the floor pulling them on as fast as anyone could pull on skinny drainpipes. His ran his hand through his hair grinning as he stepped out into the living room, it was so weird being back in the flat.

'Alright Howard.' Vince grinned, knowing he'd done the right thing putting some clothes on when he'd seen the fact that Howard was pretty much fully dressed. He ruffled his hand through his hair again wondering what he should do next, he wanted to kiss Howard but he wasn't sure. Howard kind of decided things for him when he leaned across the kitchen stove planting a peck on the side of his mouth.

'This is good, this is how it's gonna be from now on I have a lay in while you do all the cooking.' Howard nodding in his general direction he was busy, deep in the cooking ju-ju doing something to some eggs. Vince watched him grinning like the single brain celled idiot he was, before hopping up onto the kitchen work-surface pulling an apple out of the nearby fruit bowl. They had a fruit bowl, since when had they ever had a fruit bowl, and since when had they had fruit in the flat? Bollo was an ape, they'd never had any fruit in the flat for him he mainly lived off cans of _Red Bull _and sausage rolls. Vince hummed to himself as he bit into the apple, kicking his legs happily keeping an eye on Howard.

'And the cleaning.' He chuckled to himself.

'Hey, I've got something for you beady eyes.' Vince informed as he struggled to pull a scrap of torn paper from his pocket, shaking it under Howard's nose.

'What is this?' Howard muttered, Vince had forgotten how grumpy he could be in the mornings.

'Crack out your Granddad classes and give it a read, you batty crease.'

Howard unfolded the scruffy looking piece of paper that turned out to be a flyer.

'It's genius, Leroy knocked it up on his _Apple Mac_. I did the design through.' Howard turned down the heat on the stove letting the breakfast simmer away.

'So you and Leroy are torturing people with eardrums, again then?'

'And Sue, that's Leroy's girlfriend she's genius she can play the drums and she's distantly related to David Bowie; they're like second cousins fifteen times removed or something.' Howard made his way across the kitchenette pining the flyer on the front of the fridge.

'So ah you wanna come and watch us play, it's at this club called the Bordello; I bet you'd like it there.' Howard was doubtful he'd enjoy spending time in any club that willing let Vince and Leroy play their music. Still he wouldn't be going for the music.

'Yea alright.' Howard's stomach suddenly jimmyflipped on itself at the expression of sheer pleasure that formed itself over Vince's pale features. He couldn't resist him not that he wanted to, not that he would ever want to. He slipped between Vince's legs, letting Vince wrap his arms around his neck.

'So if I'm doing all the cooking and the cleaning, what are you doing exactly in this relationship? Apart from laying in all day?' Vince thought about this for a few seconds and replied simply.

'Bumming you silly, I guess.'

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'That's it, that's where I live.' Vince bounced excitedly in the passenger seat, pointing out the closed window pressing his index finger against the glass. Howard was only distantly listening he couldn't take his gaze from the man seated next to him, he was really there Vince was really sitting next to him. He'd almost killed them both about a dozen times on the drive over to Vince's flat, but the younger man seemed not to notice sharing his same dreamy smile.

'Pull over, pull over!' It took forever for Howard to find a parking space, it was one of those streets with cars parked on both sides wedged in everywhere, everyone seemed to have a car. When they eventually did park Vince excitedly jumped out of the van racing around to Howard's side waiting for him.

'Did you lock you door?' Howard questioned cringing at how anal he sounded.

'Yes, Dad.' Vince chuckled rolling his eyes, dancing from one foot to the other. As soon as Howard closed his door Vince lunged at him slamming his body up against the side of the van his tongue eagerly exploring the inside of his mouth. And then Vince suddenly inexplicably pulled away, pulling the half decent hat he'd managed to find in the flat a little further down over his left eye.

'Come on, I don't want people seeing my hair like this!' They crossed the road hand in hand, Vince head resting on Howard's shoulder as they walked. Vince bounced up the stone steps of the mid Victorian villa, pulling his keys out of his jacket pocket. Howard surveyed the outside of the building, it was more than a little rough around the edges; all the windows seemed to be rotting out of their sills and the grey paint work was peeling. He didn't like the idea of Vince living in a place like that.

'You've gotta give the door a kick to, umm get it open.' Vince informed casting a look from over his shoulder as he smashed his foot against the heavy front door, it gave way scraping across the floor. The hallway was crammed full of bikes, everything smelt damp.

_'Mr Noir!' _

'Shit, Howard hurry up yeah.' The expression on Vince's face went from extreme happiness to nervousness; he kept looking up flustered by the shriek of his name. He dragged Howard up the stairs behind him running as fast as he could.

_'Mr Noir, Mr Noir!'_ The voice and the sound of foots steps grew closer. They reached the door of Vince's flat just in time jamming his keys in the lock he threw the door open pushing Howard quickly inside before slamming it hard behind him.

'Safe.' Vince whispered panting hard resting the back of his head against the door.

'What was all that about?' Howard questioned his forehead knotting into a tight frown.

'Nothing, don't worry about it I'm not.' Vince replied running his hand across the side of Howard's rough cheek, he inches closer to him but before he gets the chance to...there's a cough followed by and 'alrigh, Vince'.

'Alright Sue.' Vince nods leading Howard into the living room. It's only now that Howard starts to feel how cold it is, he glances around and noticing that there are no radiators there's not central heating it must always be this cold. The girl sitting on the sofa is bundle up in a duvet cardigan combination her eyes transfixed to the portable television.

'This is Howard.'

'Whatcha.' She glances in Howard's general direction before quickly letting her gaze settle back on the flickering television screen.

'Leroy about?'

'Na, you just missed him.'

While there talking Howard is looking, looking at everything. He couldn't live like this, he can't stand it it's so cold and so messy. There's stuff everywhere endless copies of _NME _and Cheekbone litter the floor alongside hats and disguarded t-shirts, hundreds of pieces of coloured scribbled on paper. It's chaos, it's Vince.

'You want a tea?' Sue addresses him snapping him back into reality, crawling off the tacky 1970's style sofa he watches her as she slops off in the direction of what he assumes is the kitchen. Vince's flat is actually quite big bigger that the Dalston flat anyway, it's just being filled up with so much crap it looks the size of a shoebox.

'Not the special tea yea, use the _Tetleys_!' Vince calls after her.

'So I don't get the special tea?'

'Na, you wouldn't like it.' Vince comments simply with a shrug of his narrow shoulders. A few moments later Sue returns two glittery neon coloured mugs in her hands, handing one to Howard she takes a long slurp from the other before crumpling back down onto the sofa.

'What, where's mine?' Vince whines, his voice high cracking a little.

'Fuck off I made mine, I made his,' She points in Howard's direction.

'I'm not fucking making yours as well.'

'Come on.' Flouncing off Vince drags Howard in the direction of his bedroom, closing the door behind them with a snap.

Vince's room isn't anything like Howard was expecting, for a start the bed turns out to be a mattress on the floor. The walls, which have some familiar faces on them _Numan, Bowie, Jett_ are joined by some new ones. There's a torn battered map of Australia above the bed surrounded by postcards, tickets, flyers and pictures of people he has never seen before.

'Have you, have you been there to...Australia?'

'Oh yea, Australia is genius! I've been on the beach where they film _Home and Away _imagine that.' Vince jabs his finger excitedly over one of the photographs, Howard stares at the image for a few moments.

'You've got a bloody tan, Vince!'

'Oh yea well you know they've got no ozone or something.' He brushes it off rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. A pattern starts to emerge in all of the photos centred around the Australian map, it's a girl. She's short, shorter than Vince, she's the thin side of chubby and she's got curly hair.

'Who's that?'

'Hey Howard look at this, you'll love this it's genius!' Distracting him, holding up a large neon pink wooden mask.

'It's called a sulky mask or something like that I got it in Papua New Guinea, it's all like that there well bright.'

'So, you've travelled a lot then?' Howard murmured his mouth buried behind his glittery mug.

'Yea, yea I've been to loads of places.' Vince pulled the mug out of Howard's grasp depositing it on the floor by the door, grabbing him by the hand he pulled him down onto the mattress next to him.

'I've been to Thailand. New Zealand. Indonesia. Fiji. Fiji was genius!' Vince punctuated his words with hungry kisses.

'The Maldives.'

'Vince, you went to all the places we didn't go to on our gap year.' Vince pauses thinking about this, he'd never thought about that before but Howard was right he had visited all the countries they'd never got around to seeing. It was like some grim solitary pilgrimage. He remembered more now that ever how much he missed the man in his arms. He thinks about his life, about all the things he's done all the things he's seen and it all means nothing; he'd trade it all in, in a heart beat for what he has right then in that moment.

'I love ya, you know Howard Moon.'

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There's a box in Vince's room it's open, he sees his handwriting and he knows exactly what it contains. He can hear the shower running and the noise from Leroy's _Playstation_. His hand slips inside and he pulls out the first thing his fingers brush against. It's that old battered stupid looking _Walkman_.

He didn't want to know before, but now he does he wants to know what Vince has been secretly listening to all those years, what the DJS would never play. He sits down on Vince's bed slipping the headphones on his head pressing play.

'_Haven't you got it to work yet?' _A small squeaky voice inquires, through the sound of munching.

'_Yes, no…I don't know, look Vince will you just shut up yeah!'_

'_Why don't you ask your Dad,'_

'_I'm not gonna ask my Dad, he's a very busy man. And anyway I haven't asked my Dad to help me with my homework for years.' _That was a lie; he hates the way he lies. He doesn't even do it very well; it's laughable he's laughable. There's a pause and then…

'_Do you want me to ask him?'_ He smiles in the gathering gloom of Vince bedroom.

'_No I don't want you to ask him; look there I've done it! Do you want go first, or do you want me to go first?' _He can hear the sound of material shuffling, he remembered how pissed off it use to make him the way Vince always shrugged his shoulders.

'_Get involved, Vince. I'll go first.'_ Vince says something but he can't make it out, he knows it's derogatory through.

'_What did you say?'_ He hears Vince's laughter, which is cut suddenly short by another voice.

'_Whatcha doing?' _It's her. She's got that tone of voice, it meant trouble then it means trouble now.

'_Homework, piss of Mabel.'_

'_Hi Vince.'_

'_Alright.'_ Vince answers back; he can clearly hear the note of nervousness in his high pitched voice.

'_Can I play?'_

'_No it's not a game; this is serious work being conducted. Now just piss off, or I won't leave my window open tonight!'_ That's code for forget about sleeping in my bed.

'_Don't have a spaz attack Howard; I don't wanna play with you fucking losers anyway.'_ She kicked it. He remembers now she kicked the sound equipment the school had loaned them, she left a dent in the side; the tape skips.

'_You bitch!' _ He pushed her. She's little now skinny, she was even littler and skinner then she goes flying across the room with a thud.

'_Mum, Howard just pushed me!' _She screams at the top of her lungs.

'_Leave each other alone!' _Their Mother calls back.

'_Why don't you just go missing.' _He struck suddenly by how cruel he sounds, he doesn't mean it he regretted it the minute the words had left his lips. He would have held her he would have told her how sorry he was, but Vince was there.

'_Fuck you, Howard!'_ She's going to cry he can hear it in her voice, the faint waver. The door slams and she's gone.

'_Christy, your sister nuts Howard.'_ Vince's pipes up his nervous laughter flooding the tape reel.

'_What's the first question?'_

'_Umm, what you gonna do when you grow up?'_

'_Easy, kite designer.' _His laughter mingles with the sound of Vince's; he'd completely forgotten he'd ever wanted to be a kite designer. He sounded so earnest so certain, and yet hear he was many years later working in a junk shop.

'_Kite designer, kite designer who does that?'_

'_Kite designing is a noble trade, Sir.'_

'_Yea, whatever Howard.' _Vince had shot back in that doubtful tone of voice he had.

'_What do you want to do then?' _He snapped back spitefully.

'_Dunno ,whatever you're doing I guess.' _He frowned, he didn't remember that either.

'_Why do you always want to do what I do? Why do you always copy me? Get a career of your own.' _Everything went quite, all he could hear was the sound of his own once heavy breathing.

'_What's the next question?'_

'_I don't understand it, we've just done it.'_

'_Give it to me; I don't know why I gave you the question to read out anyway. No we haven't this says were do you see yourself in 10 years.'_

'_With you.'_ Was Vince's soft squeaky reply. He wanted to cry.

'_Same. Although maybe we shouldn't say that, they're gonna play this in front of the whole class and we don't want them to think we're you know…bummers or something.'_

'_Yea you're right Howard, they beat you up enough, you don't wanna give 'em an excuse they might kill you.'_

He stopped the tape, slipping off his head phones he placed it back in the box; the box he'd originally sent to _Bryan Ferry's _management he was glad it had got back to Vince in the end. He felt weird, like he'd just walked in on himself. The sound of the shower suddenly stopped and he decided to climb back into Vince's bed.

'_Oi Vince, you and 'oward coming out tonight?' _Leroy called from the living room.

'_Don't know, I'll ask him.'_

A few moments later Vince walked into his bedroom the faint light from the living room making everything suddenly dark. He didn't speak, for some inexplicable reason he just stared up at the inky black ceiling hovering above him, while Vince rustled about in the dark. He'd been such a shit, a patronizing, egotistical shit. He spitefully hurt the people he loved the most because he knew he could, because he knew they'd take it that they'd keep coming back for more. In those last months before Vince had vanished they'd both changed, he'd become bitter and he'd let his bitterness spill over he'd let it contaminate everything. A bitter, jealous, narrow-minded, 'know-it-all' so he'd basically just turned into his Mother. All he would have needed to complete the transformation would have been a string of pearls and to start drinking wine in the bathroom.

'You wanna go out tonight?' Vince's voice cut through everything. The bedroom light suddenly flashes on blinding him for a few seconds, making the back of his head ache. He pushes himself up on his elbows so that he can get a better look at the younger man, who was busy coating his damp hair with product.

'Hey, how did you know I wasn't asleep?' He asks Vince who is transfixed by his own reflection.

'Cus, you snore well loud.' Vince informed a mischievous grin crossing his features as he jumped onto the mattress, covering his body with his own greedily soaking up the warmth.

'Howard Moon does not snore, Sir.'

'Howard Moon does snore, Sir like a flippin' Walrus.' Vince mimicked back mockingly, tracing with his tongue the deep teeth indents he'd left behind earlier on his shoulder.

'Yeah well, at least I don't mumble on about _Gary Numan_ and _Tosphop_. Is it not bad enough Sir that you have to ramble on about that rubbish in the day, all day, everyday that you have to go and do it at night as well?' Vince retaliated silently sinking his incisors into his scared flesh, driving the outline the grove of where his mouth had previously been deeper. He winced, but it was a wince born only half in pain. He liked the idea of having something permanent from Vince left behind on his form, it made up for all the other scratches and scars he had.

'Do you want to move in with me?'

'What, back into the flat?' Vince's eyebrows arched as he rested his chin on his chest, staring up at him.

'Maybe. Naboolio and Bollo have missed you; they'll like having you hanging around again.'

'No.' Vince uttered softly taking him completely by surprise.

'What?'

'No Howard, it's not like that,' He felt distraught he must have looked distraught, because Vince desperately covered his face with feather light kisses in order to change his expression to reassure him.

'…it's just I don't wanna live there anymore, my life as you know moved on I can't go back there. It's like when we lived at the Zoo, or when I lived in the jungles of India with _Bryan Ferry_, I ain't ever been back there since I left cus I don't need to it's in the history.' Vince continued, making imaginary patterns with his index finger across his chest sending electric currents coursing through his body.

'You're going to stay here, then?' The disappointment was thick in his voice when he spoke; this wasn't the way he'd imagined things turning out. Sighing hard, Vince rolled off of him finding the cold space on the mattress next to him, staring folding his arms behind his head.

'Nope, probably gonna get kicked out since I ain't never paid any rent…ever.' Vince was smiling, if it had been him the thought of being homeless, jobless and penniless would have sent him into a state of utter apoplexy. But there Vince was grinning as if he'd just found something shiny. He rolled onto his side facing Vince, draping one arm protectively over the smaller man's pale chest letting his mouth rest against the side of his head.

'What about, if we just lived together? I've got some money put by; a lot of money actually and well I think it might be enough to buy somewhere, as long as it was really small and very cheap.'

'I can't let you do that Howard; I'm self sufficient now, see I even know what that means! I'll manage you know I've managed this far, I like it doing stuff on my own I never thought I would but I do…it's amazing!' He paused frowning; this was defiantly not how he'd imagined this would turn out. He'd foolishly expected Vince to be as excited about living with him as he was about living with Vince, properly living with Vince like a real couple.

'So let me get this straight Sir, you'd rather continue in this…manner than live with me ever?' He was frustrated and his frustration usually boiled over into anger, he felt angry, disappointed and most of all rejected he felt the cold sting of rejection seeping through his bones.

'You jazzy spanner course I wanna live with ya. Just you know when I get some money for a deposit or somethin', I wanna do this right 50/50 yeah I'm not a charity.' Two things ran through his mind at that moment; the first was how much he loved Vince; there were no words that could describe this feeling. And secondly that one or both of them would probably be dead before Vince had managed to save 20 Euros. Still it would be worth the wait he'd wait for Vince forever and he'd do whatever it took to make him happy, anything.

He swallowed hard Vince's face suddenly swimming into focus as he hovered over him, smiling away. The tips of their noses brush against each other, Vince's breath was hot on his face. He will never get sick of looking at him. It's just them silently staring at each other breathing for the longest time. It's like that between them it can be all quite and meaningful stares one moment and hot blistering passion the next.

'Alrigh you pair of bummers, you coming out tonight?' Leroy appeared craning his head around Vince's bedroom door. Vince fixed him with a pleading gaze, there was no need he quite liked the idea of going out with Vince showing him off, just spending time with him doing anything. He shrugged his shoulders and Vince planted a quick excited kiss on his lips pulling away leaping out of the bed, plugging in his straightners.

'Genius!'

'Right, Vince you got two hours to get ready mate.' Leroy warned before disappearing back behind the door. He climbed out of Vince's bed collecting his clothes from off the floor.

'What are you doing, Howard?' Vince fixed him with a quizzical frown glancing at the trousers he was holding in his hands.

'Getting dressed.'

'No-way, there's no-way I'm going out with you wearing those.'

'Hang on I thought you said you loved me, Little man?' Vince tutted rolling his eyes as he opened the door of his bursting wardrobe.

'Howard, it's not possible for anyone to love someone that much.'

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In the end he'd ended up looking like some strange hybrid half Leroy half himself and a dash of something else. He'd stared at himself in Vince's full length wardrobe mirror, while Vince had happily buzzed about behind him. He'd looked so different younger and thinner, had he really lost that much weight he'd never noticed; although having to put extra notches in his favourite belt should have given that away.

'Do you like me looking like this, Little man?' His question had been full of fear. This was alright for one night he didn't mind dressing up to make Vince happy, but he couldn't he wouldn't look like this forever he was naturally scruffy. Vince's reply had been to simply wrap his thin arms around his waist pressing his body hard up against his own and whisper.

'Love ya, whatever. Now stop hogging the mirror.'

When they all finally get to the club with the 20 Euros he loaned Vince for the taxi, (what happened to self sufficiency?); everything seemed to happen really fast. Naboo and Bollo met them outside; Vince had used his phone in the taxi to text the tiny Shaman their location. Leroy and Sue kept to themselves mostly, only coming over every now and then to snatch Vince away, or borrow money for drinks. It was strange the four of them being back together after so many years, it was like nothing hard ever changed like Vince had never been away. Bollo still worshipped Vince and was as rude to him as ever, although that night for the first time the ape had called him 'Howard' instead of 'Harold' during his insults. Naboo had sat there quietly happily wasted his expression as unreadable as ever.

Surprisingly Vince had been right he did actually like the Bordello club, the atmosphere was different more relaxed it wasn't heaving with dozens of pissed chavs all squawking away. And it wasn't neon, there wasn't any glitter well there was glitter on Vince; but the place was coated in the stuff. There was however electro the whole place pulsated with it, but he didn't really mind it; it was one of those things he knew he'd have to learn to live with; like _Cheekbone_ and_ Topshop_. Vince Noir and electro went hand in hard you couldn't have the one without the other, and he defiantly wanted the one so he was prepared to put up with the other.

After a while and a lot of drinks later Leroy and Sue finally disappeared, Vince started to fidget drunkenly spilling his _Flirtini_. Vince was getting bored.

'I wanna give you a love bite 'Oward…' The younger man had slurred against his ear, nuzzling the side of his head against his rough cheek as his hand had slipped under the table.

'VINCE!' He'd jumped almost out of his skin spilling his pint all over the table.

'Jesus Howard do you want a bib.' Naboo and Bollo had complained narrowly avoiding getting drenched. He'd slipped off to the toilet in a vain attempt to dry his clothes under one of the hand dryers. He'd stood there frowning hunched the warm air hitting him in the face, he felt tired, stupid, happy, wet and dizzy all at once. The small pungent room was spinning he hadn't been sure what had been the ceiling and what had been the floor or where he'd fitted in in-between. And then everything had suddenly stopped spinning a figure looming in his eye line grounding everything together. _Vince._

'Thems Leroy's light blue trousers, he won't be happy if you've gone and stained 'em.'

'Yeah well I wouldn't have would I if you hadn't have gone and stuck your hand down there, Sir.' Vince rested his head on the flat of his back. He revelled in the feeling of his warm body the matched rhythm of their heavy breathing.

'Come here!' Vince chuckled drunkenly spinning him around pining him up against the toilet wall mashing his lips against his own, their teeth clashing sending them both into fits of hysterics.

'I'm gonna do terrible things to you, Howard.' Vince grinned as he grabbed the collar of his still wet jacket and pulled him into the empty toilet cubicle behind them.

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'Yea, yea look we're going we get the message.' Vince complained as he was dragged roughly out of the club by a stern stony faced bouncer.

'Get off, this is new!' He whined as he was unceremoniously thrust out of the fire exit hitting the pavement with an uncoordinated thud. A few moments later he was joined on the damp ground by Howard.

'You okay, Little man?' Vince shrugged, his head hanging limply against his chest his dark fringe falling across his face, covering his gaze.

'Little man?' Howard paused, a sharp intake of breath flooding him, as a shaking sound began to emanate from the younger man next to him. Was Vince crying, had they hurt him, if they'd hurt him he'd…

Not crying laughing, Vince was laughing.

'I ain't been kicked out of anywhere in years, I'm gonna have to wear a disguise in there next week. That was all your fault.' He giggled clutching at his side with the force of his laughter, rolling on his side smiling up at Howard appealingly.

'How was that my fault, Sir?' Howard mused clambering up onto his feet grabbing Vince pulling him up onto his own unsteady legs.

'Cus you're so flippin' loud Howard, what's wrong with you?' He teased watching the crimson hue spread across the older man's cheeks. Howard turned his back on Vince letting the younger man's hand slip from his grasp, brushing his creased damp clothes down he started to leave.

'Howard, Howard, Howard don't be like this it was just a joke!' Vince called out after him, resting his hands on his hips raising his eyebrow non-pulsed as he watched Howard who just kept walking.

'Howard. Howard. Howard!' He waited sobering up a little his double vision fading. Howard was pissed off, even from behind Vince could tell; there was something about the slope of his shoulders. He didn't want Howard to be pissed off; Vince had forgotten how sensitive the older man could be that he couldn't laugh at himself. This couldn't be happening he'd been desperately waiting for four long years for Howard; he'd had his heart broken he'd never felt so depressed; he'd lost himself and he'd lost Howard he didn't want to do that again, he couldn't do that again.

'Howard!' Vince ran after him struggling to catch up his platform boots clattering loudly against the wet greasy concrete beneath his feet. Vince finally caught up with Howard grabbing him by the fabric of the elbow of his jacket.

'You grumpy sod.' Vince mutters chewing nervously on the flesh of his bottom lip knowing that, that was probably not the best way to win someone over; especially not Howard.

'You know I should be the pissed off one, I'm the one who's still got your selfish Northern sperm in my hair, my hair!' Vince exclaimed dramatically running his hands through his sticky locks. He tries desperately falling back into humour even though he knows what the situation needs is seriousness.

'You stupid tart.' Howard turns taking Vince by surprise planting a shaky kiss on the side of his mouth. Parting they both frown at each other for a few moments.

'Why is it like this? Why are we still squabbling, I thought it would be perfect.'

'It is perfect Howard.' Vince mused taking Howard's larger hand in his own running his thumb gently over the rough skin.

'But,'

'Howard we squabble, we always squabble I have a go at you; you retaliate I still love you I've always loved you.' Vince breathed deeply.

'I'll always love you.'

Howard grabbed Vince around his skinny waist hoisting him up into the air, the younger smaller man wrapping his arms tightly around his neck.

'My sperm maybe Northern but it's in no-way selfish, Sir.'


End file.
